If You Were Going Blind…

And you knew it, what would be the one thing you’d really like to see before you couldn’t anymore? Tough question, isn’t it.

I’ve been following www.furiousball.com for a couple of years or so. Van is a wonderful guy and a good read. (Go there. You’re welcome.) But this post http://furiousball.com/inmydiatribe/index.php/2012/07/20/seeing-this-through-for-jim/ got me all weepy. (Van will do that to you without meaning to, trust me!) It got me to thinking about my Uncle Brad and his journey with Retinitis Pigmentosa. If Brad would have had the cognitive abilities and the communication skills to tell us that his vision was disappearing over the years, maybe we could have taken him to see something wonderful to him.( I know what it would have been. Michigan. Brad found out his Grandparents immigrated from there and since then, it’s been U.S.A. all the way! His most prized possessions are a Michigan hat and map.) Alas, we never knew.

But Jim http://jimmeck.com/ does. And as I sit here, typing and teary, I think, “How awesome and wonderful that he has a chance to prepare, to see something he can remember forever.” While there is not a thing I can do for Brad, maybe I can help get Leafs tickets for Van, Jim and Bubs.

So here goes. Canada and the Toronto Maple Leafs: We’ve gone from 6 Degrees of Separation down to 4.74 http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/22/technology/between-you-and-me-4-74-degrees.html. That means I need to go through just a bit less than 5 of you to be able to get tickets! They are in TO the week of 11/26/2012, and the Flyers/Leafs game is the 28th. So pretty please, if anyone can help out, let me know. Or Van. And I thank you.

Why am I doing this? Helping a stranger?

Why not? 4.74 degrees isn’t much. We might be able to do something very cool. And Van always seems to pay it forward.

Now, my Ducks. The tough question. If you were going blind, what would you like to see before you couldn’t anymore?

Love to you all.

xxoo

Not Invisible

This is not what I had intended to write. Not at all.

But, I keep getting notice on my stats (bloggy thing) of people finding my blog using the search term, “Am I invisible”. And my friends, every stinking time I read that, my heart just breaks a bit. So, here goes.

No. You are not invisible. You might feel like that from time to time, or maybe you’re feeling it a lot. But trust me. You are not.

Because I see you. I noticed you. Right away. I know you are here. And believe or not, I care that you are here.

You may not believe this, but someone loves you. Likely a few people. Do you think for one second that your presence isn’t noticed by them? Or your absence? I’ll bet in your absence, they miss you. You just don’t notice.

Maybe the world feels against you, no one hears you calling out in your pain. Trust me. That’s a lie. Your brain is very good at lying to you when you are in pain. Don’t believe it.

Not invisible. 

Tell yourself that everyday. Yell it if you have to.

We, all people, are honoured to have you here. We don’t want you anywhere else.

I know sometimes it’s just so hard to get up in the morning and you wonder to yourself ,”Why, why, why do I feel so alone?”

I’ve been there. Mama duck has had her moments, to be sure.

Not invisible.

Even the simple matter of reaching out to your computer renders you visible. If you’ve got no one else to talk to, talk there. Look until you find it. You will.

I see you. And you can do it, Honey.

Hold fast. Hold fast.

This life is beautiful, if you let it be. You can do it, Honey.

This life is easy. And you are not invisible.

If you need me, you know where I am.

I see you.

Not invisible.

Holy Crone

Son and I went out for breakfast at a fast food joint this morning.

As we were getting buckled  in the car, there came a rap-rap-rapping on the window. I looked at the bairn, he looked at me. Huh?

As I turned to look around, a 275 year old woman was pulling open my car door.

Amazing what can go through your mind in an instant. Did I hit her?!? I haven’t started the car yet! Is it Halloween? Does she want a treat? A ride? What the fuck?

Sorry to startle you, Dear. I just wanted to give you this magazine. Very good reading material! And with serious, frowny eyes, “How would you feel if you knew god was lying to you?”

Oh, uh, trying to keep a lump of egg and flour in my gorge where it belongs but wants to rise from the terror I feel from the old crones bony hand on my car door, Well…

Truthfully, I’d feel like pealing the fuck out of this parking lot because you just scared the piss out of me! I didn’t say that. Respect for elders, whatnot.

Uh…

Where are you from, Dear?

I stared at her earrings. Stained glass. Pretty. And I didn’t want to make eye contact for fear that this ancient woman’s god would see the image I held in my mind of prying her skeletal digits off my door and shrieking “Mugger! Mugger!”. Just for giggles, right?

“Um, Edson?” I just lied to one of gods messengers! Holy fuck,what am I doing? Holy fuck, did he hear that? Holy fuck!

“Really? I’m from Edson!”

Goddamnit. “Uh, well, we haven’t been there very long…”

Some quick small talk, and with a have a good day, off the old boot sprinted across the lot to her minivan. Damn, she was fast. Like a ninja.

Son said “Who was that, Mom?”

Well, honey, some people want you to know their god. Normally they come to the house and daddy talks to them, but apparently, they are under a budget crunch like the rest of us and are now using parking lots to up their quotas. It’s all a numbers game, son.

We drove toward home and stopped for a train. Curiosity got the better of this duck. Let’s just see here…

I opened the rag and on page four was a picture of the Messiah with three noses, three mouths, and one set of eyes. He looked like one of those weird side-show calf’s that dies shortly after birth but some wacko preserves it and displays it so we can all go ‘Yucky! How fucked up is that?’.

It scared me. I yelped “Jesus Christ!” To which my six-year-old replied, “Yes? What’s up?” Love that kid…

We got home and I phoned Christ, known to me as J.C. He’s gangsta now, did you know?

After being on hold for like 15 minutes, J.C. finally picked up. “Hey, Gurl!!!”

Hey. Listen those pictures of you? The one with the extra sniffers and cakeholes? That’s just so wrong!

Dude, I know right? When buddy was painting it, I said to keep it real! No use scaring the bejesus outta people! Get it? Hnyuh? Hynuh?

I hung up. When Christ thinks he’s being “funny” you may as well not even bother.

This eve, I pondered and came to a conclusion. If you want to save my soul, you need to send someone hot to do it. Someone with a french accent. Even hotter. And for god’s sake, try to make being holy look like fun. Life’s hard enough without being bossed around some scary looking guy that gives you nightmares.

Just saying.

Grade One For The Only

I feel like someone punched me in the heart.

How did this

become this?

Where has the time gone?

I am so happy for him to be able to go to school. See his friends. Have teachers that are excited to lead him. People I’ve gotten to know and trust. And I am grateful that my husband has a job that has allowed me to stay home with our son in these important years. Grateful I will be able to greet him at the end of his day and say “How was school?”

I am lucky. So is he.

But he’s our only. And this tough old duck has a lump in her throat the size of a basketball.

I’ve tried my best to be a mother, not a smother. I’ve had to set him free into the arms of the world and believe that he’d be okay.

We almost lost him twice before he was born, were told that if he did make it, he would be dead within three months at best. When I had him, he couldn’t breathe and his heartrate would’t stabilize. He was in the NICU for a week. After that, there was no way we’d try for another. Too scary.

We are lucky. I know.

I know I can’t stay at his school all day waiting for him. I know I can’t park out front with binoculars hoping for a glimpse. But Damnit, I’d sure like to!

Last year, I had this same feeling over kindergarten. My husband bought me this:

This year, I’ve enrolled in University and College. Yes. You read that right. And today, he bought me a laptop. It was that or another dog.

I’ll be okay. And my boy will soar. It’s all good. Right?

He just called me to his room. He can’t sleep cause he’s too excited.

Yeah, it’s all good.

Small Kindness

Do you ever have a day when you where you start out happy and gung-ho only to find yourself at the end of it, wishing you had a bathtub full of gin and tonic and a very big straw? Maybe one of those gorfy trucker hats that holds beer cans? Except mine would hold a couple of bottles of perfectly chilled Chardonnay, I’d have my jammies on and a sign hanging round my neck that says ‘Mommy is closed for repairs.’

I’m not depressing. Just sad about the world.

Somalia, Norway,Libya, my own countrymen who’ve been flooded and burned out, my neighbour down the road, my neighbour’s grandma’s 2nd cousins babysitters cat, everyone struggling, starving, hurting,  fighting or in pain. I wish I could take every last one of them, hold them in my lap, rock them and tell them truthfully

It will all be okay.

i know i can’t. i’m just one person and my lap is too small. i am too small.

I do what I can. Donate where I can. Am kind where I can. And I am raising a fellow of the new generation. I am teaching him that we are global. That every person is part of our family. That we need to do what we can. He is donating, of his own accord, his piggy bank change to his kung fu kwoon charity. He’ll be helping to build a school for girls, somewhere in Africa. He gets a star for his uniform, indicating his act of ‘good chi’. I love him so much for it.

But.

I feel like I can do more.

I don’t know exactly how this all works yet, but it seems the people of the internet are a good bunch. We are a community. So I ask two things of you, friendly reader.

First, please suggest a charity that I may support here, on my humble blog. Send me any links you can about them. Educate me. Because I may be able to do something here, other than (this needs quotes) “entertain“.

Second, (and I really need you to do this) look someone in the eye. See them. It won’t hurt. Throw some goodness their way. Give them a hug. Donate any way you can, even if it’s your time. Just help.  Acknowledge. See.

I will do as much as I can. But I need you. The world needs you.

I only have a small lap. There will be overflow.

And, please, always

Pray.

The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention. Oscar Wilde