This is the cat.
Sorry, I misspoke. It’s The cat. The only one worth anything. The top cat. The cattest cat.
If it’s not obvious yet, it’s him demanding I write this post. Hard to believe, I know. But you’ve never met him.
He has been alternately sleeping on my lap top, jumping on my tower, and cozying up to the Mac. When those subtle hints to “write about the cat” have failed, he’s taken to sharpening his claws on my bed and sleeping across my throat.
He weighs 18 pounds. He is trying to kill me.
Without further ado,
Cat Laws (in no particular order):
1. If someone accidentally steps on your foot, tail, testicles, etc, you must SCREAM BLOODY MURDER!!! Seriously, yowl as loud and blood curdlingly (is that a word?) as you possibly can so that someone, anyone, will hear you for 2 miles around and know that some human is offending your body and it must stop! If that fails, hiss and bite.
2. If you are a cat and hear another cat in your household yell out in pain, quickly run over to the possibly deathly injured cat and try to beat the shit out of it. First, it keeps the other cat that is bringing its death out of ‘your’ cat area, and it may impress the human that feeds you, because everyone likes a brave cat.
46. If it rains, go up on the roof of the garage. Sit there. Look pissed off. Alternately, if the rain freezes on the roof of the garage, slide around while trying to get down. It will entertain the humans.
23. If your human leaves laundry on the floor, piss on it. Humans don’t need to be so slovenly.
4. Pretend you don’t understand the words “Get down!”.
13. When your human cleans your litter IMMEDIATELY run to the box and have a huge dump. Just because.
62. Get chatty in the middle of the night. If your human rolls over, take it as a sign they want to talk. Meow lots.
31. If the human leaves the dishwasher door open, get inside to remind them they left it open. Same goes for dryers, cupboards, closets, cars, etc. Humans are stupid.
89. When your human goes to change the bedding, release your inner kitten and fling your body crazily around the bed as the sheets are fluttering down. That’s just fun.
53. Go out and kill something. Eat part of it. Leave the legs and hind end at the front door.
80. When the christmas tree goes up, watch casually from a distance. Pretend you don’t care. When your human gives you the warning glance, lick your neuter stumps. As soon as they are out for more than an hour, get NINJA on that sumbitch. Again, that’s just a good time.
27. When it’s catnip time, get shitfaced. Then get miserable. Pick a fight with any other cat or dog in the house. Find a perch and sleep it off.
11. If you are not getting enough attention, wait until the house is dark, and as your human fumble walks to go get a drink or a snack, get right between its legs and trip it.
38. Once in a blue moon, climb the bookcase and sit on the top quietly. Don’t move. Just stare. This move frightens the humans.
72. If you slip off of something, lick yourself nonchalantly. Pretend that you meant to fall.
90. Love the dog. Play with it. Then ignore it. And when it comes close to say hello, reach out and whack it really hard. Dogs need to learn their fucking place.
17. When you have to vomit, make this noise: GLOUWGLOUWGLOUWGLOUW! If no one comes, retch 3 times then puke. Make sure to do that right on the nearest carpet. Don’t feel guilty. You gave notice.
Final Law. Love the female and the boy violently. So much that you will let them degrade you by decorating you for christmas.
And remember, no matter which side of the door you are on, it will always be the wrong side.