I’ll Likely Win A Prize For This. Or Not.

It’s time for some search engine updates. If you’ve been here before you’ll know I get some of the damnedest searches that lead folks to this humble blog. And they slay me every time. This is also the way I tend to break out of a writer’s block. And I’m blocked, Baby, let me tell you. I’ve been working on a couple of things over the past few weeks and so far I have written “The”. I feel a Pulitzer in my future, oh yes I does.

Onward.

female gunt

Why did you have to google that? Tell you what, you just hustle your ass down to Wally World or any good old-fashioned Monster Truck show and you will see the gunt. The gunt is not hidden there. The gunt shows itself proudly. The gunt has no shame. And every time you see the gunt, you must utter “The Gunt Abides” for no other reason than I said so.

everyone looks at me during yoga

That’s because your boob fell out of your top. It’s okay. It happens to the best of us.

shitting in my yoga pants

Um, I take back what I just said. I think I know why they are staring at you now.

fucking bored at sixty

Mom? Is that you? Go knit something.

grannies need a shag too

MOTHER!!! Get off the computer or I’m phoning Dad! Jesus…

what does it mean when someone says you look different in a good way

Well, they’re probably being a bitch. Don’t hang out with them anymore. (Either that or it’s back to that yoga pants thing and they’re trying to be nice. Are they standing far away from you when they said it? Check for shit.)

how can i show my boobs to my neighbour casually

Hmm. That’s tricky but I’ll try to help. Try pressing them up against the window when you are cleaning. Better yet, get a couple of those swiffer floor washing pads and stick `em right on your bare hoots and rub your hoots against the glass. It’ll seem way less obvious.

jesus holds my hand

Sweet. He’ll also hold your hair back if you are vomiting after a night of drinking. He has for me, anyway. At least I think it was him. All I remember was calling “Oh Jesus!” as I retched and someone showed up. But I was drunk so I can’t be sure.

i really like your beard, can I touch it with my vagina

I don’t know who you are but you are responsible for my husband growing a beard so I can say that to him all. the. time.

sore nostril

That might be because of that fantastic beard you have and all the vagina it’s attracting. Shave. Take a week off. Or get your finger out of your nose. Either one.

And my personal favorite,

bombshell

*Batting lashes, blushing, giggling coyly* Me? No. Stop it! (Come back here any time, you silver tongued devil!)

That’s it, my Ducks. Feel free to share your best search terms in the comments. And yes, I still love you.

xxoo

An Update On The Invisible Blog Post

I wanted to let you know that I deleted my last post. I didn’t do it because I was ashamed of the content or the writing. As I’ve said before, this is not politics, this is my knowledge. My words are true to me and I stand by them. I’m not blogging for anyone in particular and by deleting a post, I may have committed a blogger sin. But I’m new here. I still don’t know the ins and outs.

The reason I deleted the last post is a bit complex. Anyone that blogs knows that people sometimes find your words using the damnedest search terms. For the most part, I have a readership that I ‘know’, which is amazing if you think about it. I feel comfortable here. And obviously, you do too. It’s fairly innocuous. I don’t court controversy. That’s simply a matter of choice. But this last post…

While I stand behind it, this morning when I read it, I realized that if  one of the great unholy masses used even a skiff of a search term to lead them here and I gave them an idea that would cause harm to animal, well, I don’t want to be a party to that. It was a rant over some such disgusting and unconscionable action that it bothered me all day and I needed to get it out of my head. Very few read it (Thank you, sweet Jesus!), but I started to think maybe it should go. I also read some search terms that lead people to my blog. And that kinda sealed it.

I’m going to respond to a few of these right now. I’m going to get the ones that require a mental flossing out of the way first. You’ve been warned.

woman lets big dog fuck her (and any other variation you can fathom)(and EWWWW!)

Well, no. Did you see the ducks in the banner? Did that not clue you in that just maybe you had the wrong site? Is there duck porn now? My advice to you is to get a new hobby. And stay away from farms. Now zip up, and move on. But thanks for stopping by!!!

fat tits tube

Exactly! Said the same thing myself just this morning. Out of the blue, like. Just threw my head back and bawled “Fat tits tube!” My husband thought I was stroking. But you and I know what it means, right? Right? *wink*

most important vocabulary words for bba

I cannot express how important vocabulary is for bba. Especially since he’s typing already. How old is he? Goddamn genius, that kid. Though he is shit for spelling.

odd

Why, yes! Yes I am. …batting lashes and looking away coyly

a store just for tampons

Holy shit, is there? Where is it? Why didn’t someone let me know? Do they have bovine sized ones? Asking for a friend…

can I have my own bear

I am an avid proponent of bear husbandry and ownership. Bears are way more useful than anyone gives them credit for. Short answer, yes. And may I borrow it?

remember your humanity and forget the rest shirt

Oh hell yes! I need one too.

when will I (insert pretty much whatever here)

Do I look like an oracle? Shit. Pressure…

In all seriousness, the searches that get me most are any related to depression. To those folks: I am so proud of you for looking for help. Many don’t. Good for you. Keep going.  And if you feel safe here, come on back. I know a lot of bloggers that have the same struggle. And reading them or me  may make you feel a bit less alone.

To all others finding this blog with freaky search terms, I have one thing to say to you:

fat tits tube.

I believe I’ve made my point.