Sex Advice For The Rest Of Us

Sex is a hot topic as of late, due in part to that book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. I haven’t read it as I just assumed she was like me and discussing her hair. It’s some sort of erotic fiction, bondage fantasy and I’ve read that the main fellow has very big fingers, which I suppose could be an asset if you are making obscene gestures in traffic but it kind of made me shudder with revulsion. (Leanne’s Life Rule #2: Pick your gynecologist and proctologist by the size of his hands. Just trust me on this. Smaller is better.)

Now we all know I have far, far too much time on my hands and periodically I will read a so-called sex advice column, just to see if there is anything “new” I should be aware of.  Truthfully, there isn’t, although I have been frightened by some of the things I’ve read (don’t ask) and heartily entertained by others. What I’ve noticed is the lack of common sense advice for all of us old marrieds who’ve done the deed at least 7,000 times. Sure, there are the Spice It Up articles but let’s be honest. If you’ve watched the same movie twice a week for the past ten years, you know how it’s going to end. It doesn’t matter if you fast forward or skip a few parts, someone is narrowly going to escape death in the final couple of minutes.

I think perhaps what is needed are some do’s and don’ts for us middle-aged monogamists. Just reminders, shall we say.

1. Don’t yawn.

I really can’t stress this enough. I don’t care how tired or bored you are, yawning during coitus is rude and knocks your partner off their ‘A’ game. And then 11 minutes turns into 15 and that will be the longest 4 minutes of your life. If you feel a yawn coming on, pretend you are overwhelmed by passion and turn it into an operatic song. You get your yawn out and your partner thinks they’ve done something incredible because my god, she actually sang! Win-Win, people.

2. Be very careful what new toys you bring home.

You may think it’s going to be fun but if you’ve never used a ball gag and mask in your sexy time before, you might scare the living hell out of your spouse. Certain spouses may actually believe that you are about to finally kill them. Looks around, makes finger pointy gesture behind hand at the other spouse that lives here. Same rule applies for handcuffs, billy clubs and oversize dildos. Apparently. I mean, I’ve heard. *cough*

3. Think twice before you surprise your partner.

Thursday after beers with your buddies might seem like a good time to enact your secret zombie rape fantasy, but if you leap out of nowhere growling at your mate in the middle of the night when she is on her way to pee, you are likely going to get punched in the throat. There will also be a pool of urine that needs cleaning up after the tussle.

4. Remove all distractions from the bedroom.

This includes dogs (it’s best to not have extraneous panting because it just ruins everyone’s rhythm), television (watching the game and yelling “Go, you sonofabitch!” is confusing) and the internet (although twitter is funny, it’s not nice to laugh at someone else while in the act).

5. Be positive.

Saying “What the hell was that?” or “Where did all this hair come from? Feels like a bear’s ass.” isn’t good for anyone’s ego. Other words off-limits are speedy, shorty, smelly and canyon. A thumbs up and “I appreciate your work” leaves everyone feeling good about themselves. Also acceptable is a naked “touchdown” dance move. That’s just funny!

The last bit of advice I can give you is probably the most important. As you age, skin cancer can show up. Please check for moles while you’re down there. That’s called “killing two birds with one stone.” Again, Win-Win.

You. Are. Welcome.

Let me know if you need more.