Beautiful Boy

Eight years ago today, I was rebuilt.

Everything I thought I knew or believed to be true fell away to become inconsequential dust. You changed me as nothing ever could and I shed the weight of alone when I became your Mother.

rowan 3

Thank you, Rowan. For teaching me true love, what dreams really are and for awakening in me all that had long been dormant. Because of you, I am a better woman. It is an honour to be your mom.

My beautiful, brilliant boy. Every second of every day, I wish you something wonderful.

Happy Birthday.

Wordless Wednesday (Sort of.)

When anxiety starts to overwhelm me, I take a walk or drive, get out of my head and look at the world around me. It helps me see the beauty and serenity in life.

The North side of my yard.

Some of my neighbours. They’re quiet and their yard is gorgeous.

A very small lake near my house.

Spring fields make me feel hopeful.

New baby neighbours. We watched them waddle across the field to get to the water.

What we call a fence. No pickets here.

I hope you enjoyed my hood. Come over sometime. I’ll make you dinner.

(Click on the pictures to make them larger.)

December-Part One

I’m home!!!!!!!

Oh home! How I missed you! If I could hug a house I would, that’s how goddamn happy I am to be home!

We went to the ‘Chewan for our lovely holiday visit. Nothing like driving 5 hours across bald, scrubby prairie to help one to understand the concept of horizon. It should be a very Zen experience. However, try doing it in a fully loaded Outback, with an almost seven-year old, who is perpetually in motion, a twelve week old kitten, a hundred and ten pound Shepard cross, and a thirteen pound lap dog.

I think we were an hour into the trip when the son started his plaintive calls of, get ready, “Are we there yet?” No shit. Every twenty minutes. Followed closely by “I’m borrrrrrred!” Look at the scenery, son. “What scenery???” Exactly.

Now, add in the big dog. She has always been a back seat driver. She cannot lay down and enjoy the trip. Oh no. She must get her head and upper body right between the buckets so she can see out the windshield and assess how well you are driving. This is very exciting to the old girl and the more excited she gets, the more she pants, therefore, the more she drools. As you are motoring along, your arm is getting wetter and stickier with each passing moment. Whats funny is that she is so big and sits so erect and close to your right shoulder, I’m certain it looks like some strange two-headed conjoined beast twin driving our auto. Either that or everyone thinks we have an extraordinarily ugly daughter. Who has a drooling problem.  

The small dog (we think he is a Pug/Jack Russell cross. A Jug, if you will) has a rather high-strung personality. This manifests itself in a non-stop vibratory shiver while in the car. The poor thing is a nervous wreck. He acts as if he is about to be raped and castrated at any given moment. It goes like this: Shake, open eyes, quickly smell penis, nutsack and anus to make sure they are all still there, give a dirty look to the closest human so they know you are watching them, close eyes, shake for ten minutes, repeat.

The kitten was an awesome traveller. She just hid until we arrived at our destination. We took her as a surprise present for my folks (read that as getting rid of her) but they were having none of it. We had a rousing game of ‘nonchalantly throw the cat in the car, nonchalantly throw the cat back in the house’ as we were saying our goodbyes. My parents won. Pricks.

The top cat didn’t come. I tried to get him in the cat carrier, but he is huge and wouldn’t fit. It was like trying to stuff a horse into a Corvette. But with claws. I decided to just throw him into the car and let him ride free. He escaped as soon as hubby opened the hatch, and it was a sight to behold, watching my poor man fighting with a huge ball of flab and fangs. Honestly, I don’t know who was more petrified, the man or the cat. So I got out and caught the miserable sonofabitch (the cat, not hubby) and brought him struggling and fighting back to the car, which I then quickly threw him into and tried to slam the door. Not surprisingly, he had his tail half out. Did you here the shriek over at your place? I opened the door as fast as I shut it and that cat flew out so fast, I didn’t have time to see where he went. Our neighbour let him in and fed him but he is still not speaking to me.

But we made it home today. I have had a hell of a couple of weeks. This is going to be a long one, so I’m breaking it up for you. Part two of it all tomorrow. 

Did I mention I’m glad to be home? *Hugging house*

 And does anyone need a cat?

Autumn Joy

The older I get, the more I love autumn. Fall makes me feel busy and thankful. I like the crispness of the air, the colour of the leaves and the bounty of the summer. It’s the legacy of the farm child. So in that spirit, I’m going to share my week with you.

This is the view from my front deck.

Good morning.

This is where I walk. My neighbor’s land, right next to our place.

About 200 steps from the house.

The odd coyote and deer are my walking companions.

At the top of this hill, in the trees, I found an orchard.

 I glanced into the bushes and found loads of saskatoons, chokecherry and high bush cranberries. So I picked for a few minutes.

Lavender jelly and Cranberry jelly. Fake rooster.

Why can't I find lip gloss this colour?

 The lavender was from my herb bed and the cranberries from mama nature. I love that! It was a chore cleaning them as they smell like feet before they are cooked, but I picked the flowers off the lavender after I did it so I mellowed out and smelled good. My boys even helped out with picking and it became a lovely family outing. It was a peaceful week.

Some folks have been finding my blog using the search term ‘Joy’. I like that. And I love free berries. Hey, why don’t you come for tea and scones?

I have some really good jelly I’d like you to try. I hear it brings joy.

 
 
 

I Want More Laughter For All The Ducks

Five days of yoga, some new herbal remedies and some supplements. I finally feel like myself again!!! Guess what? Today, I actually smiled. For real. It hurt like a bitch, but I couldn’t help myself.

I gathered some wisdom about myself while standing on my forearms and trying not to break wind. I’ll share what I can remember which may not be much, because both of those things required almost all of my concentration.

I forget sometimes who I am and what I like. We all do. We are so busy being so many things to so many different people and if you are like me, you do your damnedest to make each and every one happy. I’ve realized that for me it’s an absolute bullshit way to live. I’ll explain.

You may have gathered that at times my life has been a bit strange, if not difficult. I hold my tongue and let certain things slide because I’ve forced myself to learn to tolerate behaviors and speech that I find hurtful and damaging. No more. I will be as kind as I can, but I am not going to live my life harmed because I’m trying to be placid and a model of a ‘good woman’. While I can always see all sides, some things I just can’t abide. And if I continue to bite my tongue, I am going to chew a piece off and choke on that fucker. So, some boundaries are in order.

One of the other gems I took away from yoga, besides a nice under-boob rash from all the sweating (the fuck?), is that life is funny. It’s hard and mean, and my heart bleeds for my fellow man’s suffering. But there is so much funny, happy shit out there. I had the grand fortune to be surrounded by thirty sweet souls, who more likely than not feel as down as I do once in a while. And every last one of us laughed, at ourselves, each other, all in the midst of a very difficult practice. Where there is work that we choose, where there is unity, and joy, there is laughter. Just listen. See?

Whoof. I got all profound there. Scared myself. I wouldn’t want to set a precedent!

To all of you that have read and commented, I just want to tell you how grateful I am. You odd ducks in the ether have shown me that I do have a tribe. I feel less alone, knowing you are there.

“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world. But then I thought, there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me, too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true,I’m here, and I’m just  as strange as you.” Frida Kahlo

I could not say it better.

Joy

As the lucky mother of a six-year-old son, I have had the great fortune of experiencing joy on a daily basis. This often happens during the most mundane and private moments of my life when I am least expecting it. And I am thankful every time.

Sitting on the pot and having small son fly into the bathroom with a Nerf gun shrieking “Gunfight, Mummy!” After the initial physical terror of being bombarded with soft projectiles in the midst of my morning constitutional and when my heart rate has slowed, I take a moment, and realize that having Son in my life has made even my toilet time a place where instead of being alone and bored, I now feel excitement. Also empathy for all our men in combat.

Having a bath and attacking the jungle that nature has given me for a bikini line, and in the middle of dangerous contortions with a razor, the young joy spreader flings open the door in all his urgency to share. The cute little look of horror and shock on his precious face as he looked at me and whispered “Mum, you cut your penis off.” Wow. Just, wow. I cannot describe what I felt looking at this little person and thinking of the adult he’ll become because of this moment. Almost breathtaking.

Giving the beautiful soul a kiss while he is sobbing. And with God’s perfect timing, having him sneeze a boat load of warm gooey snot at the exact second my mouth was aligned with his nose. Oh, the peals of laughter as he watched me gag and run for a towel! I knew then I had made his day.

Joy. Being a mother has opened me to joy. Plus a few nervous tics and a small drinking problem, but mostly joy.