Everywhere I turn, everyone I talk to lately has the motherfucking cancer. Yes. Let’s call it that. Motherfucking cancer.
One of my cousins, an aunt, my friend’s MIL, my Dad. (Quick aside: Dad has a squamous cell carcinoma on his ear. Needs more surgery and then we’ll know what next. Wear sunscreen!!! Please! And a hat!) If you’ve noticed, I have a scar on my right cheek where my John Boy Walton mole was. I was 25 when it started to get all cancerous on me. At that point I was pissed off, I was so used to it. But I had 3 docs tell me it would be melanoma within a few years. I count myself lucky.
My blog and twitter friend Dee-Anne Barker starts chemo tomorrow. Her blog is http://cancercancerbo-bancer.blogspot.com. All she asked is that I make her laugh. (She loved my Boobs and Birthdays post. It made her laugh after her mastectomy. We always find exactly what we need, don’t we?) So in honour of her, and the fact that all this MOTHERFUCKING cancer is driving me to distraction, I’m going to share with you some of my search engine terms. Again. Because I tell you, NOTHING makes me laugh harder than what people find this blog with! (I left all the errors in for you to see. My god.)
“Dee Anne Barker”
Seriously. Twice. Spelled wrong both times.
“i’m brialliant” meme
Umm, where do I start with this one? Oh yeah! Fucking SPELL CHECK!
divorce and icefishing
Looking at husband, doing the ‘I’m watching you eyeball finger point thinger.’ Please read Grounds For Divorce. Maggots. In the fridge. *finger point thinger again*
Okay, so. Were you looking for a dress for your vagina, or a dress that looks like a vagina? I suppose I could understand the first one, if it was a special occasion but the second? Sister, NO ONE needs to wear a dress that looks like a shmooshed ham sandwich. There is no call for that.
mouth widener porn
What? Oh…What? I….What? Oh…I…please don’t come back here. I don’t know what that is but it scares the ever-loving shit out of me!
licking armpit hair
Gross! Goddamnit! Why? Just why? Tangled armpit hair I can understand but this? Blech! No hairballs! (The Husband Doesn’t Believe)
i hit a parked car and broke their bumper/cracked front bumper while parking
*cough* Nope. Never. Don’t know what you are talking about. Move along now. (Broken Bumpers.)
joke thought person said thumb tacks tampons
I know, RIGHT!!!!!! That one kills me. Sigh. Smiling…(Just aTampon)
That sounds so much like Your Highness or Your Holiness I feel all special. *adjusts tiara*
i have no idea what i’m doing duck/ducks don’t give a shit/i am one odd duck
Fuck yeah!!! Rock on! All things duck coming my way! And any of the above? Baby, you have shown up in the right place! Welcome. Leave your shoes on. It’s hellishly messy in here. Beer?
In Order: duck testicles/do duck penis fall off/sad animal/sad duck/sad ninja
I don’t know where to begin. If I was a duck and this was what you were thinking about my junk, yes. I would be sad. Is the ninja sad about this too?
pain from falling on ice – around labia
Oh my god, girl! You broke your vagina!!! Put a bag of frozen peas on that thing!!! Get to a doc and get a sling!!! ( And don’t ever use the word labia here again.)
Meow back at ya, you crazy freak! Wait. Is this my cat again? BAD KITTY!
get off my property/stop looking at me
Dearest friend. You may have a bit of a stalker problem. Thanks for reading but you may want to call the cops now. Love, Me.
And my favorite: oh fuck the internet is here
Yes. I finally have a home!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Those are the ones that I hope make you laugh. They say it’s the best medicine and it sure as hell can’t hurt. And FYI, this is National Cancer Awareness Month. Buy daffodils.
(I’m thinking of you all and wishing you strength, bravery and health. If you need to talk, as ever, I’m here.)
Love your way. xxoo