Mofo Cancer

Everywhere I turn, everyone I talk to lately has the motherfucking cancer. Yes. Let’s call it that. Motherfucking cancer.

One of my cousins, an aunt, my friend’s MIL, my Dad. (Quick aside: Dad has a squamous cell carcinoma on his ear. Needs more surgery and then we’ll know what next. Wear sunscreen!!! Please! And a hat!) If you’ve noticed, I have a scar on my right cheek where my John Boy Walton mole was. I was 25 when it started to get all cancerous on me. At that point I was pissed off, I was so used to it. But I had 3 docs tell me it would be melanoma within a few years. I count myself lucky.

My blog and twitter friend Dee-Anne Barker starts chemo tomorrow. Her blog is  http://cancercancerbo-bancer.blogspot.com.  All she asked is that I make her laugh. (She loved my Boobs and Birthdays post. It made her laugh after her mastectomy. We always find exactly what we need, don’t we?) So in honour of her, and the fact that all this MOTHERFUCKING cancer is driving me to distraction, I’m going to share with you some of my search engine terms. Again. Because I tell you, NOTHING makes me laugh harder than what people find this blog with! (I left all the errors in for you to see. My god.)

“Dee Anne Barker”

Seriously. Twice. Spelled wrong both times.

“i’m brialliant” meme

Umm, where do I start with this one? Oh yeah! Fucking SPELL CHECK!

divorce and icefishing

Looking at husband, doing the ‘I’m watching you eyeball finger point thinger.’ Please read Grounds For Divorce. Maggots. In the fridge. *finger point thinger again*

vagina dress

Okay, so. Were you looking for a dress for your vagina, or a dress that looks like a vagina? I suppose I could understand the first one, if it was a special occasion but the second? Sister, NO ONE needs to wear a dress that looks like a shmooshed ham sandwich. There is no call for that.

mouth widener porn

What? Oh…What? I….What? Oh…I…please don’t come back here. I don’t know what that is but it scares the ever-loving shit out of me!

licking armpit hair

Gross! Goddamnit! Why? Just why? Tangled armpit hair I can understand but this? Blech! No hairballs! (The Husband Doesn’t Believe)

i hit a parked car and broke their bumper/cracked front bumper while parking

*cough* Nope. Never. Don’t know what you are talking about. Move along now. (Broken Bumpers.)

joke thought person said thumb tacks tampons

I know, RIGHT!!!!!! That one kills me. Sigh. Smiling…(Just aTampon)

your duckness

That sounds so much like Your Highness or Your Holiness I feel all special. *adjusts tiara*

i have no idea what i’m doing duck/ducks don’t give a shit/i am one odd duck

Fuck yeah!!! Rock on! All things duck coming my way! And any of the above? Baby, you have shown up in the right place! Welcome. Leave your shoes on. It’s hellishly messy in here. Beer?

In Order: duck testicles/do duck penis fall off/sad animal/sad duck/sad ninja

I don’t know where to begin. If I was a duck and this was what you were thinking about my junk, yes. I would be sad. Is the ninja sad about this too?

pain from falling on ice – around labia

Oh my god, girl! You broke your vagina!!! Put a bag of frozen peas on that thing!!! Get to a doc and get a sling!!! ( And don’t ever use the word labia here again.)

meow

Meow back at ya, you crazy freak! Wait. Is this my cat again? BAD KITTY!

get off my property/stop looking at me

Dearest friend. You may have a bit of a stalker problem. Thanks for reading but you may want to call the cops now. Love, Me.

people beautiful

Always.

And my favorite: oh fuck the internet is here

Yes. I finally have a home!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Those are the ones that I hope make you laugh. They say it’s the best medicine and it sure as hell can’t hurt. And FYI, this is National Cancer Awareness Month. Buy daffodils.

(I’m thinking of you all and wishing you strength, bravery and health. If you need to talk, as ever, I’m here.)

Love your way. xxoo

New Year, New Name

This old duck is a bit pissed. By pissed I mean cranky, not pissed as in pissed, which is a Canadian farmer term for staggering drunk. I promise I’m not . *Hubby standing behind me nodding head, mouthing, yes, she is.* Well okay, I might be a bit tipsy, but nevermind.

I have to tell you what’s happened. I was about to register my domain name and I found a gazillion blogs named One Odd Duck. I know! *Offended ruffling of feathers.* Which is actually okay, because there is room for many odd ducks in this world. But one in particular stood out.

It’s written by a person who is so totally different from me that it is almost unbelievable. This is a person who I believe has only one arm and has a diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome. Who also identifies as a strongly religious person. Now, I have two arms, no Asperger’s that I’m aware of, and I’m pretty sure Jesus would be the funniest drunk at the party. Plus, I curse. And swear. And threaten violence. Fuckshit! Sorry.

So I got to thinking. Maybe I should change my blog name. So that no one that attempts to find me reads this other persons blog and thinks “Well, this isn’t funny at all…” or worse, someone from their life finds my cussy blog and thinks their friend has dropped their cookie basket. (I don’t even know what that means.)

To that end, the First (and last) RE-NAME THIS BLOG contest!!!!!!

YAY! YIPPEE!!!! Whistles and confetti!!!!

silence. *cough*

Well, I can tell you are all excited. And are probably thinking “Dumbass. She should have checked that shit beforehand.” I know, I know. But I isn’t the sharpest pencil crayon in the case sometimes!

I’ve been thinking of a few names, and to tell you the truth, I am absolutely flummoxed. But you, dear readers, are some of the cleverest people I know. So I thought I’d turn to you. Also because I know you will make me laugh and laugh with your comments and suggestions. So please, have at it. The winner will of course, get the bestest prize ever!!!! A New Cat!!! (Seriously, I have too many. Male or female, your pick. If you want more than one, I can probably find you one that’s pregnant.) Think how happy your kiddies will be! Aunty Leanne is the best! Yay! (No, really. I’ll ship it to you. FedEx.)

Give it to me, dear duckies. I thank you.

DISCLAIMER:

Before you all go shitting yourselves, I have absolutely nothing against people who are missing limbs. I grew up in a farming community where there were ten men to every acre that had lost something in an auger accident. I told you before how excited farmers get! I also have nothing against farmers, or religious folks for that matter. I have many of those in my family. Farmers. And maybe a christian or two, I’m not sure. But anyway. I also live by a big Army base. Lots of those guys lost a something while peacekeeping. I honor them. And thank them. So no, I’m not only for farmers losing limbs. I’m not prejudiced like that. Or christians. This is all coming out so wrong. Oh, fuck it.

SECOND DISCLAIMER: I have worked in special education and health care for the past ten or more years. Everyone I have met that has Asperger’s Syndrome is smarter than me. And probably you. Enough said.

THIRD DISCLAIMER: No, you cannot exchange the cat you win for an equal monetary value. Do I look like Costco? Jeebus…

FOURTH DISCLAIMER: I am serious about number two.

Cat Laws

This is the cat.

Sorry, I misspoke. It’s The cat. The only one worth anything. The top cat. The cattest cat.

If it’s not obvious yet, it’s him demanding I write this post. Hard to believe, I know. But you’ve never met him.

He has been alternately sleeping on my lap top, jumping on my tower, and cozying up to the Mac. When those subtle hints to “write about the cat” have failed, he’s taken to sharpening his claws on my bed and sleeping across my throat.

He weighs 18 pounds. He is trying to kill me.

Without further ado,

Cat Laws (in no particular order):

1. If someone accidentally steps on your foot, tail, testicles, etc, you must SCREAM BLOODY MURDER!!! Seriously, yowl as loud and blood curdlingly (is that a word?) as you possibly can so that someone, anyone, will hear you for 2 miles around and know that some human is offending your body and it must stop! If that fails, hiss and bite.

2. If you are a cat and hear another cat in your household yell out in pain, quickly run over to the possibly deathly injured cat and try to beat the shit out of it. First, it keeps the other cat that is bringing its death out of ‘your’ cat area, and it may impress the human that feeds you, because everyone likes a brave cat.

46. If it rains, go up on the roof of the garage. Sit there. Look pissed off. Alternately, if the rain freezes on the roof of the garage, slide around while trying to get down. It will entertain the humans.

23. If your human leaves laundry on the floor, piss on it. Humans don’t need to be so slovenly.

4. Pretend you don’t understand the words “Get down!”.

13. When your human cleans your litter IMMEDIATELY run to the box and have a huge dump. Just because.

62. Get chatty in the middle of the night. If your human rolls over, take it as a sign they want to talk. Meow lots.

31. If the human leaves the dishwasher door open, get inside to remind them they left it open. Same goes for dryers, cupboards, closets, cars, etc. Humans are stupid.

89. When your human goes to change the bedding, release your inner kitten and fling your body crazily around the bed as the sheets are fluttering down. That’s just fun.

53. Go out and kill something. Eat part of it. Leave the legs and hind end at the front door.

80. When the christmas tree goes up, watch casually from a distance. Pretend you don’t care. When your human gives you the warning glance,  lick your neuter stumps. As soon as they are out for more than an hour, get NINJA on that sumbitch. Again, that’s just a good time.

27. When it’s catnip time, get shitfaced. Then get miserable. Pick a fight with any other cat or dog in the house. Find a perch and sleep it off.

11. If you are not getting enough attention, wait until the house is dark, and as your human fumble walks to go get a drink or a snack, get right between its legs and trip it.

38. Once in a blue moon, climb the bookcase and sit on the top quietly. Don’t move. Just stare. This move frightens the humans.

72. If you slip off of something, lick yourself nonchalantly. Pretend that you meant to fall.

90. Love the dog. Play with it. Then ignore it. And when it comes close to say hello, reach out and whack it really hard. Dogs need to learn their fucking place.

17. When you have to vomit, make this noise: GLOUWGLOUWGLOUWGLOUW! If no one comes, retch 3 times then puke. Make sure to do that right on the nearest carpet. Don’t feel guilty. You gave notice.

Final Law. Love the female and the boy violently. So much that you will let them degrade you by decorating you for christmas.

And remember, no matter which side of the door you are on, it will always be the wrong side.