Why TLC Is Good For You

I watched some show on TLC the other night about extreme (read that as above 50) cougar (read that as horny) gals (read that as well, gals, I guess) that like to date or sleep with (molest) decades younger men. One of them got handfasted, which at first I thought was going to be a handjob, so I kept one eye on the t.v. and quickly made sure no one else was in the room. Oh shut up. You would have too, prissy.

I later found out that it’s an ancient marriage ritual from before they had marriage as we know it. As far as I can discern, some lady waves a shiv around, then ties your hand to your loved ones hand (against your will?) so you can never fucking get away. The knife part is to frighten you, because she’ll cut you if you even think about untying that knot. Really, it’s beautifully terrifying, like a real wedding is, though I think the wedding meal consists of leaves, dead grass and lake water and there’s likely some sort of bestiality involved, but it was still touching.

When he told his parents he’d married his love, who was older than his mother, the shit pretty much hit the fan. I completely see his mother’s point, as I think if my baby brought some heavily mileaged old trollop home, I’d play “let’s see who can accidentally get tripped down the stairs and land in a broken bloody heap” with her, which I’d win, of course. And even though my eyes melted a few times during the show, I learned something. I learned that no matter who you are or how fucked up you believe yourself to be, TLC finds people to put on television that make you look normal.

Watch away, my friends.

30 thoughts on “Why TLC Is Good For You

  1. lol. Glad I’m on the computer more than I ever watch TV anymore (the only shows I follow are Grey’s Anatomy, Fashion Runway, and Downton Abby and I watch those on my Ipad after kids are in bed). But I’m sitting here eating a bag of chips; I might as well be a couch potato in front of the boob box.

  2. You know- that is so right! And it also proves my new favorite saying I read somewhere but can’t remember where (willl be mortified if it’s here!) “There’s an ass for every chair” And it’s really hard to look away when your eyeballs have melted, isn’t it?

  3. When I saw “handfasting,” I thought it had something to do with hand”fisting.” This is something I would think a cougar would expect from an Ashton Kutcher type. So, I looked it up in Wikipedia to see what it meant.
    I am so ashamed.

  4. Well I love to watch shows that make me look normal and not only me but my far from normal sisters…………..yeah they look normal more or less as well………….lol I remember seeing something on telly before about handfasting……………and if my daughter came home with some middle aged block I would not be happy…………..

  5. Seriously, I remember when TLC had “quality” programming. I just can’t fathom bringing home a man that’s old enough to be my dad. Nor can I fathom bringing home a boy that (in this day and age) I’m nearly old enough to be his mother. *bleh*

  6. At least it wasn’t Harold and Maude. Although I admit I really wanted them to end up together in that movie.
    Also, remember when TLC actually meant “The Learning Channel” because the shows actually taught you stuff other than “how NOT to live your life”?

  7. I call those kinds of shows my ‘crazy people shows’. I love em, albeit in small doses 🙂 I love My Crazy Obsession and Hoarders and Toddlers and Tiaras, among others. Tis true, they make my crazy seem downright commonplace.

  8. I saw about thirty seconds of that show. As in, I was walking past the TV with a basket-full of laundry, and I see this (*ahem*) “mature” woman pulling her drawers up over her thigh cheese and then soul-kissing her teenaged “boyfriend” before she sneaked out the window. I should’ve watched the whole show, because now it’s like a horror movie where you don’t see the ending and and so are left to wonder whether the succubus triumphs and will live to hunt another day…. *shudders*

  9. TLC has gone the way of MTV. I’ll be glad when they find the “next big thing” that makes reality television obsolete… but extremely worried at the same time.

  10. TLC is like kinky sex, it’s only kinky, weird and strange the first time. I hope we don’t define “our” new “normal” by the kinks on TLC. It’s strange world, let’s be careful out there.

  11. Oh, I’m so glad I don’t watch TLC! LOL!
    Not because of the handfasting, but because I can only imagine how TLC would *ahem* fuck it up, as reality shows are so very capable of doing. It’s just a marriage ceremony, but great googly moogly, I can only imagine…*shakes head and shudders*

  12. In the UK, it’s ‘Channel 4’ who make the kind of shows you don’t want to watch, but can’t look away from. I think they have covered this topic. As well as “Life Sized and Realistic Sex Dolls” and “Men Who Like to Marry Ponies”. Many years of living in the UK and watching C4 documentaries, I am totally desensitised. Probably for the best ha!

Go on. Talk to Mama Duck.

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