Stupid Monday, marching in at the beginning of the week, all Meh, and Meh, I’m Monday, Ha! Monday can kiss my ass.

So…I’ll fill you in on some things because Monday has me all miserable like a menstruating bear with a chapped vagina and someone said “Write about the things that make you happy”. You know what? Nothing makes me happy on Monday! NOTHING!

As to my absence from this dusty blog (My God, someone should vacuum this hell hole) I shall now attempt to explain. We live in the country and for 3 years have had high-speed internet and phone service provided by a company that rhymes with Snodgers. (I hereby release myself from all litigious action because you know what you did, you stupid dickwads, and I didn’t use your name so bite me.) (That’s legal, right?)

I am convinced that there is a built-in life span for all electronic products. Right around the time the warranty wears off, let’s say a couple of days after, all hell breaks loose. So for the latter half of August, our internet hub gave us sketchy phone and internet at best and finally stopped working COMPLETELY about a month ago. Dear Hubby, in all his masculine beauty, caressed my panicked forehead, deepened his voice an octave, grabbed the phone and said “I shall take care of this, my gorgeous and darling wife, as I know how important the web is to you.” You buying that last part? Yeah, me neither. *sigh*

But what should have been easy ended up with the said company sending us the wrong  $150 dollar part (that you can’t get anywhere else. Clever.), charging us for it plus shipping AND signing us up for another 2 years WITHOUT our consent. Oh boy. To top matters off, when Dear Hubs called 4 times to rectify this bullshit, he got YELLED at by the senior v.p. in charge of this fuckery. Hence no internet and no home phone. Does anyone know what this sort of thing does to a blogger? I’ve taken to writing things on paper in longhand and shoving it in the faces of frightened strangers saying “Can you read this? And comment? Tell me I’m funny, nice stranger! PLEASE!” How I haven’t been arrested is beyond me.

Wait. I’m supposed to be writing about things that make me Happy. Okey dokey.

One good and grand thing happened this summer that I haven’t had the chance to post about, what with the above, the dead dog, depression, what not. Ready? Are You Ready?

I got invited to be in an e-book. AND I got published in an e-book! Squeals! Joyous armpit farts!

It’s called All Cracked Up and is a collective of bloggers that are some of the finest humorists and story tellers EVER! Seriously, I read it and tears rolled down my face. I actually felt out of my league, that’s how good these folks are. Here’s the link.


If you do yourself one favour, buy this and snort laugh along with me. You’re welcome.

You know what? I do feel kind of …well, not happy, but less Monday-ish. But Monday can still suck it.

Oh and we got a new puppy but that’s a post for another day, which will happen soon because FUCK YEAH! We have internet again!

And don’t use any service that rhymes with Snodgers. They yell when they think they’re right.

28 thoughts on “Monday

  1. As soon as I figure out how to get the Kindle reading app on my BlackBerry playbook I’m buying the book.
    Also – there is one good thing about Mondays: Steve McGarrett in Hawaii Five-0 (and Telus internet, because they fixed mine for free and it does not suck)

    Found you on Twitter through your conversations with Lady Estrogen and I’m glad I landed on your blog. Love it.

  2. you’re in a book! That’s wonderful because, damn it woman, you make tears roll down MY face sometimes. Snodgers is an asshole. I used to have to deal with them in suburban hell, but now we deal with their slightly stupider, slightly less murderable cousin Blowgeco. So, I hear you. Nice to see you back.

  3. Just an FYI, today is “National Grouch Day” – heard it on the radio. So, really, your grouchiness is totally founded. Of course it would be founded even without the “special” day. And besides, those companies are all assholes in my humble opinion. I just know they go to a special asshole school to become the best asshole they can be.

      • I figured it was destiny that yesterday was grouch day as Aunt Flo rudely showed her face yet again (biatch). And besides, don’t those asshats KNOW that they are in the *ahem* “customer service” profession. Meaning don’t be a fucking asshat and HELP your customer. I mean, if you want to keep them. It’s not a trick question, really. Asshats. ;o)

  4. I’m so happy for your puppy and your internet! I know this was hard for you and I’m glad you’re sharing love again. I know it is hard because today I learned my little guy has inoperable cancer. Hugs.

  5. How did I miss this blog? What an incredible masthead–I am green with envy over the duck.
    I hope it’s all yours. I have had dealings with Snodgers, and it’s no picnic. I know you’re not kidding about the paper and strangers.

    Glad you’re back to this.

  6. I did buy the book, but admit that so far I’ve only read YOUR parts :). And I laughed. Knew I would. You are funny. And I’m sort of a stranger. Or at least a little strange. Does that help?

  7. lol your’e a riot! Just meeting ya, but glad your’e back! ANd did you say NEW PUPPY? We’ve had our just one week! I’ve never had a dog before. No one in this family “pack” has so it’s a learning curve. Cat’s are easier but we’re allergic so it’s pups! You’ll have to read my lastest post all about puppy and puppy brain drain will probably be next…

  8. Phone and internet companies can drive a sane person to commit a crime honestly who the hell do they think they are yelling at hubby because they screwed up………….I wish I could say I have not had this problem but hell most of us have at some point……………that said I am glad you are back and you didn’t have to kill anyone to get back and of course you are funny a lot funnier then little ole me……………or should that read short, round old me………… the latter sounds more like me………….lol

  9. Congrats on the book. I know that only the incredibly talented made the cut *wink wink*

    I have had my fair share of dealing with corporate idiots. I’m glad it worked out in the end. I am not sure what I would do if I didn’t have internet access.

  10. I did see from the Beer for the Shower guys that you were a part of that book. CONGRATS honey! That is awesome. 😀 You deserve it.

    oh…and monday and shitty technology can suck a dick.

  11. It’s Friday now, yayyyyy! Awesome post, and MUCH congrats on the E-Book! (tumultous round of applause). I’m not surprised, you are very, very funny and you write very, very well. I also suffer from rubbish internet connection, I like the idea of writing on paper and asking people to read it. You could get a hundred photocopys made and hand them out at a Mall or something … Okay, next time my internet’s down I’m SO doing that.

Go on. Talk to Mama Duck.

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