I’ll Likely Win A Prize For This. Or Not.

It’s time for some search engine updates. If you’ve been here before you’ll know I get some of the damnedest searches that lead folks to this humble blog. And they slay me every time. This is also the way I tend to break out of a writer’s block. And I’m blocked, Baby, let me tell you. I’ve been working on a couple of things over the past few weeks and so far I have written “The”. I feel a Pulitzer in my future, oh yes I does.


female gunt

Why did you have to google that? Tell you what, you just hustle your ass down to Wally World or any good old-fashioned Monster Truck show and you will see the gunt. The gunt is not hidden there. The gunt shows itself proudly. The gunt has no shame. And every time you see the gunt, you must utter “The Gunt Abides” for no other reason than I said so.

everyone looks at me during yoga

That’s because your boob fell out of your top. It’s okay. It happens to the best of us.

shitting in my yoga pants

Um, I take back what I just said. I think I know why they are staring at you now.

fucking bored at sixty

Mom? Is that you? Go knit something.

grannies need a shag too

MOTHER!!! Get off the computer or I’m phoning Dad! Jesus…

what does it mean when someone says you look different in a good way

Well, they’re probably being a bitch. Don’t hang out with them anymore. (Either that or it’s back to that yoga pants thing and they’re trying to be nice. Are they standing far away from you when they said it? Check for shit.)

how can i show my boobs to my neighbour casually

Hmm. That’s tricky but I’ll try to help. Try pressing them up against the window when you are cleaning. Better yet, get a couple of those swiffer floor washing pads and stick `em right on your bare hoots and rub your hoots against the glass. It’ll seem way less obvious.

jesus holds my hand

Sweet. He’ll also hold your hair back if you are vomiting after a night of drinking. He has for me, anyway. At least I think it was him. All I remember was calling “Oh Jesus!” as I retched and someone showed up. But I was drunk so I can’t be sure.

i really like your beard, can I touch it with my vagina

I don’t know who you are but you are responsible for my husband growing a beard so I can say that to him all. the. time.

sore nostril

That might be because of that fantastic beard you have and all the vagina it’s attracting. Shave. Take a week off. Or get your finger out of your nose. Either one.

And my personal favorite,


*Batting lashes, blushing, giggling coyly* Me? No. Stop it! (Come back here any time, you silver tongued devil!)

That’s it, my Ducks. Feel free to share your best search terms in the comments. And yes, I still love you.


15 thoughts on “I’ll Likely Win A Prize For This. Or Not.

  1. I’m crying laughing. “I really like your beard, can I touch it with my vagina”?!?! Oh my. I die.

    I have NEVER done one of these write ups for my site and I think one is coming up because OMG I found some of the FUNNIEST search terms recently. Yeah…this clinches it…must be done.

    LOVE your responses you witty bombshell you!

    *silver tongued devil runs away now* 😉

  2. I really should write mine down but usually am content to try to figure out how they got here from there. Right now the best (and most inexplicable ones) are “funny wetbacks” and “gay duck hunter”. I wonder if Elmer Fudd comes up on that last one…

  3. How can I show my boobs to my neighbour casually? Is there a casual protocol for that? Also, now I’m wondering if that’s a man or a woman? Oh well.

    Nice to see you back.

  4. I used to get funny search items. Now it’s mostly anything related to Charlie Brown or Peanuts. Because, Charlie Brown is in my blog title. Makes for some not-so-funny search terms.


  5. Holy Happy Hiccups! That was awesome! I am going to go to the store and get me a fake beard just so my girlfriend can say that to me!!

  6. Bwahahahaha! Holy shit. So, I thought I’d come back to your blog and check out a few other posts you had written. Little did I know I’d be sitting at my computer guffawing and wiping away the tears. Man, I wish I had google search terms like that!

Go on. Talk to Mama Duck.

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