Simply Tricky

I’ve been having wild anxiety lately, to the point it’s almost crippling me. I find it hard to leave my house. My stomach feels as if a cobra is fighting with a … well, another cobra.

Sorry. I couldn’t really come up with anything else that is quite as horrifying to me. I HATE fucking snakes. Don’t even say snake, always say “fucking snake” around me. I’ve said before that the only snake I like is a snake that eats another snake, feels really guilty about it and commits Hari Kari. I don’t hold that god or satan created snakes. I think they fell here from some strange alien planet where the people freaked out and said “Jesusmurphy, those things are scary motherfuckers! Lets get rid of them!” and herded them all onto a meteor that landed here.

Even as I write this, my stomach is churning. Remember my craptastic adventure? Turns out, nothing was wrong. Nothing physical. I phoned the hubby to tell him the results. He said “That’s good, right?”.

No. It’s actually bad. Really bad. An illness would be simple. If this is emotionally related, mentally related, anxiety related, it becomes tricky.


With the anxiety comes the depression. With the depression comes the anxiety.


I know how it works. I also know that unless I buckle down and buckle up, do the work and tear the shit I’m carrying away from my psyche, I will get worse. That is unthinkable.

I’m ready. I can do this. It’s not going to be that hard.

Some people will have to be purged from my life. Others (my Soph, my Kathy, my Mary) I will hang onto for dear life. And my hubby. I’ve really never met a better man. He doesn’t pretend to understand. But he gets it. And he believes in me like no other.

I’ll share with you folks what I feel comfortable with as I go through this, in trust that just maybe some of it will help you or someone you love.

And don’t worry. I haven’t lost my sense of humour. I’ll still post my nonsensical bullshit to make you smile. I really love it when you laugh. It distracts the snakes. Well, that and rabbits.

I’m ready. I can do this. It’s not going to be that hard.

Be kind to each other.

p.s. As ever, I’m here if you need to talk., twitter @gustyduck.





25 thoughts on “Simply Tricky

  1. Hang in there and know there are lots of people out here who love you, you will get through this. As for the snakes, maybe a trip to Ireland, no snakes, they were driven out by St. Pat. (so I was told) he must have felt the same way.
    Sending you lots of calm thoughts and deep cleansing breaths.

  2. I would suggest a holiday here to South Arica, but sheesh, we have loads of snakes! That’s okay though because you ARE ready, you CAN do this. It’s NOT going to be that hard.

    • Exactly, Dear Lady!!! I could not live in a place with so many stupid, slithering snakes. In the southern part of my province, they have fucking rattlesnakes. Note:Fucking Rattlesnakes. So not good.

  3. Yes you can do it, it may not be easy but many things are not. I hope you find someone who is able to help you work through shit because it isn’t something you can do on your own evern if you think you can I am telling you, you can’t……………………

    • I’ve got loads of help. Been dancing this dance for awhile. But things crop up and I just sort of have to deal with them as they come. I shall prevail, never you worry!

  4. Hope your ok girlfriend. I find I suffer from anxiety monthly now usually before the blood letting begins! I feel like something is going to go wrong, is going wrong or that I have no control over anything that really goes on anyway. Its a weird stupid feeling that comes out of nowhere for me and can be debilitating
    , then I start bleeding… hemorrhagic bleeding for 3 days and I’m just my regular bitchy self! I never had anxiety in my life before. Its probably a premenopausal blessing! Sigh life is grand!

    • You know, I’ve been wondering about the hormonal component. It very well could be part of perimenopause. I take lots of supplements but just might get my levels checked. And of course, Hi-Ho, next time I see you, we will finally build our menses hut!

  5. Of course you can do it, even if it is hard, but it won’t be because you are ready! 🙂 I have complete faith in you. You already have my email address and know to use it without a second of hesitation if you need an ear.

    That aside, watched Doomsday Preppers with my aunt the other night and totally thought of you! haha.

  6. Well, here comes Happy karen Asshole to tell you this: anxiety is bullshit. My brain is full of ugly, self doubt, anxiety, oh-crap-the-world-is-caving-in-and-I’m-FAILING-along the way, stuff all the time–except if I exercise. There, that sounded completely out of left field right? Like, the needle just scratched the record? Like some slick moron just showed up to do an infomercial. Go out and buy yourself some total bs, exhausting workout video, and do that thing almost every day. Or, stick with my old school plan, and walk. Walk until your feet are sore and your brain is quiet.

    I’m sorry you’ve been going through this. Maybe none of my glib little exercise recommendations will work until things are resolved. Still, it’s the only thing that truly shuts the brain up, I think. Even if just for a little bit.

      • I worked out this afternoon, and did yoga this evening. I don’t even know who the hell I am. I’ve turned completely retarded. I wish the same for you, lovely Leanne! No wait…maybe not so extreme. Clearly I’ve lost it.

  7. Crap, some snake ate my comment…. I said “I’m gonna go all Frasier Crane on your ass and say “I’m listening”. You know where to find me.”

  8. Oh sweetie- I’m giving you a great big hug in my brain right now- I hope it makes it to your brain and your arms and makes you feel as loved as you are. I have never met you in person, but that doesn’t mean I can’t love you hard! Not in a dirty way- I know you share my gutter mind, so I have to say that! And you are so right- Mother fucking snakes are creepy! They totally skeeve me out. I am sending you positive thoughts, good energy and Ninjabread Men… I know they don’t make it all better, but I hope they make you smile and lessen the pinch in the chest. Love you-mean it!

  9. I’m so sorry you’re hurting, Leanne. Please accept some heartfelt cyber *hugs* –and do take good care of yourself. 🙂

    BTW–just read your previous post and it was AWESOME!!!

  10. The first and last anxiety attack I ever had was when I needed to get something at walmart. I entered the sliding doors, walked past the cash resisters and was thrust into a swarm of sweat pants and polyester-clad crowd, spending like its Y2K. I circled around the swarm, tried to find the isle in which my soon forgotten item was sitting. Heart pounding. I burst out in tears and ran the fuck out. Never. Again. Walmart.

  11. Wouldn’t it be nice if life came with an extensive manual, a “happy reset” button, and periodic visits from Obi Wan Kenobi? Just as well, I think you’re doing well all things considered. Things are going to get better. Chin up!

Go on. Talk to Mama Duck.

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