I Need A Do Over

Hey folks! What did you get for Mothers Day?

My son gave me the requisite handmade card with a poem, which was beautiful. (I’m a sap. I keep everything he makes me. I’ve kept all of his clothes and I have a tough time washing off kisses. Okay, awwwww.) But the not so good part was that he woke me at 6:30 to give it to me. Apparently his teacher forgot to mention how it’s a law that mom gets to sleep in on that one day. But the even better part was that as he was coming out of his room, he stepped in a huge lake of dog urine and had to freak out and shriek “GROSS!!! Mom, it’s still hot!!! Hurry!” for me to come and clean it up. That was just the start. Our old, suddenly incontinent dog pissed herself again not once, but three more times that day. I wasn’t angry with her. It’s just, come on, Mothers Day? She doesn’t seem to be in pain, but I know I’ll have to make some decisions.

Surprisingly large bladdered dog. She is alive in this pic, but she sort of has a “Please, kill me now” look on her face.

So the hubby, who is just abysmal at gift giving, got up that day and hurried into town. And came back three hours later with dirt.

“Happy Mothers Day! I got you dirt for your flower beds!”

My Mothers Day dirt.

Um, Thanks? Is there a card?

“Shit. No. But here’s a shovel.”

I thought perhaps he was willingly going to let me bury him, but sadly not. It seems he won’t go down without a fight. He’s sort of an asshole that way.

The day was spent with me, alternately, shovelling dirt and wiping up urine. It got so confusing and frenetic that at one point, I strapped the spade to my belt and tucked the roll of paper towel in my bra strap, just so I was prepared. Hubby looked at the vision of his dirty, smelly wife and said “Nice outfit”. To which I bellowed “I AM A MACHINE!!!” and flexed a non-existent muscle.

I think he felt a bit sorry for me so we dropped everything and drove to town to get a cheesecake. On the way back we stopped at our local overpriced beer, gas and condom store, where they have six baby bunnies living under the deck. (Yes, I asked about that. I guess it’s almost impossible to get a condom on a rabbit.)

So the son and I watched these cute little hand sized bunnies hop around for a while. Oh, such a bad idea.

“Mummy, I really, really, really want a bunny!” in his best whiny, nobody loves me voice.

My brain kicked into exhausted overdrive.

“No, you never, ever want a baby bunny. You have to rip its head off and drink its blood at age ten as a right of passage into manhood. It’s just awful.”

“Um, what?” with his best ‘you’re shitting me’ voice. Then his dad chimed in.

“It’s true. And I had to take a bite out of the still-beating heart of the first deer I ever shot.”

To which I replied, “Are you kidding me? You expect him to believe that?”

“And the bunny story makes more sense?”

We argued about which tale would scar him less all the way home. The son sat in the backseat quietly. Rolled his eyes a few times and sighed his ‘you guys are so fucked up’ sigh. Minimal damage done.

The day ended with showers, cheesecake for supper and a movie. But next year? Right after my morning kisses, I’m getting the hell out of here. I think it’ll be safer for all.

23 thoughts on “I Need A Do Over

  1. Alright, I get that animals get older and money is tight so practical gifts make more sense…but COME ON! Man, that is harsh. Sunday I slept in, wrote in my underwear, showered & got glamorous for Mother’s Day brunch, and then came home & stripped back into my underwear for more writing. I’m not saying unmarried and childless life is perfect but man it’s good. 😉

    I hope you have the most STUNNING flowers in all the town! Hugs, love.

  2. You mentioned cheesecake and now I want cheesecake but alas I have no cheesecake, I would go and buy cheesecake but alas I have no money for cheesecake or for anything else for that matter……………moving on from cheesecake, you got dirt for Mother’s Day how lucky are you I want dirt now………….ok I don’t want dirt you can keep your dirt but I still want cheesecake

  3. Somebody already has an Overpriced Beer/Gas/Condom Store with rabbits? Damn, that’s another grand idea down the tube.

    How you guys make out with the tonsils?

  4. My daughter did Krispy Kreme and bacon for breakfast in bed-well she didn’t have the patience to wait for the bacon to cook, so just Krispy Kreme! But we can get Krispy Kreme, still have bacon and then go to the new casino!

  5. I keep thinking of all those kids clothes. Stacked throughout the house (cause eventually you’ll give up on rubbermaid bins). Like towers of em. But now also men’s clothes (cause he’ll grow up ya know). And you a bedraggled, urine soaked and dirt covered 80 something shuffling between the now aisles you’ve created screaming…I AM A MACHINE. But with no teeth. So it, would be more like “I ab a mathime” *cough* Hubby’s in his barker lounger pointing at new puddles on the floor… And yup – they be his puddles cause the dog’s long gone.

    YOU ARE A MACHINE MY DEAR. This too shall end. 🙂 with flowers. Or scotch. My house one day soon.

  6. Doggy diapers. My cousin’s poodle doodles in her sleeps so she in them and they work pretty well. Also, bunnies may LOOK cute, but just remember Monty Python.

  7. a gift of dirt almost gives me hard nopples.

    That’s how I know that I’m OLD now. I think DIRT is the NEW GOLD. I freaking love dirt. For mother’s day The Man got five bags of dirt for 10 bucks, and I was DELIGHTED.

  8. Shame man! I’m not going to tell you about mine, because right up until the cheesecake, yours sounds pretty awful. They owe you BIG for next year. At least my Hubby laughs at the Mothers Days ‘Gift Ideas’ magazine we picked up this year which included Vacuum Cleaners, Mops and sexy undies. You so know a woman had nothing to do with that mag! I got chocs and flowers, and no cooking. I wasn’t going to say …

Go on. Talk to Mama Duck.

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