Please Leave A Message

Do you ever miss a phone call, see the number on call display and not recognize it?

You check for a voicemail, nothing. You think to yourself, “maybe I should call It?” but you don’t really want to because first, it could be an auto-dial and you’d get nothing anyway, and second, maybe it’s someone that you don’t want to talk to and you don’t recognize the number because that person was a horse’s ass in the first place which is why you stopped calling them and forgot their number?

You put the phone down and walk to the fridge, mildly perplexed. You grab a cheese-string, for eating cheese always puts things into clear perspective.

But your brain will not be distracted by dairy today. No. You start thinking about the missed call. Could it have been for your husband? Is it another woman? Is he cheating? He wouldn’t be dumb enough to give her our number, would he? Did that bitch call in the middle of the day, just to torment you? Then you remember who you are married to. How, as good a guy as he is, he’s super lazy, never shaves, burps too much, only ever took you on two dates and you know him well enough to know that the effort to fuck around just isn’t in the old bastard. You put that thought out of your head. And chuckle. And then feel sort of sad for yourself. You need more cheese.

You frown at the phone while munching. What kind of person doesn’t leave a message? From what god-forsaken part of the world (with no manners) does an asshole that doesn’t leave a message come from? Do they not understand common politeness? Do they not understand the mores of society? You bet they’re from some strange small Ukrainian-like country where they don’t have phones and just yell out the window to each other “Dorka!!! You der? I’ssa has your hog butchera for you! Youa vanta the piggies ovaries for szoup?” You then realize you are sounding sort of racist to Ukrainians in your thoughts. But you think it’s okay because you and everyone else in your family is married to one. Then you start craving perogies.

You think about the fact that you are home alone. Could someone have possibly called you from their car? To see if you were out? To come and rob the place? What? Oh my god.That’s it! “Those sons-a-bitches“, you think, while madly running around the house, locking doors. It’s not enough that they are going to rob you, kill your pets and burn what’s left, Oh NO! The fuckers have to torture you with a warning hang up call!!!

You check out the windows, see no one. You realize you need to calm down. You look for a cigarette. You can’t find one, but you do find a half smoked cigar butt your hubby left outside on the ground. You smoke that. You almost fucking die from coughing. And you play “Name that Taste” while smoking it. Dog asshole mixed with rotten cabbage? After you’ve finished smoking it, you spit. A lot.

You enter the house, the frown so deep between your brow, it hurts. You glare at the phone. You realize how hardly anyone actually calls anymore. You get emails, texts and tweets but you don’t ever have phone conversations. You start to feel sadder. What has this life become? Do you live on the internet now? Can you find an apartment there? Will you never hear a phone voice again? Tears come to your eyes as you reach into the fridge. No cheese left. That makes you even more depressed, because all that’s in there is fruit and fruit is not a comfort food.

You look for something else to smoke and find nothing but a piece of old nylon rope. You smoke that.

When you come to and remember your name, you think, “Whatever can I do to prevent this from happening again? How can I make sure I will never, EVER have another terrible six minutes like this again? I know. I know! I’ll write about it! I’ll help everyone going through the same thing! And I’ll TEACH everybody that they must leave a message because if not, you may kill someone!!! From too much cheese and unsmokable things and TERROR!!!”

Save a life. Leave a message.

36 thoughts on “Please Leave A Message

  1. THANK YOU for giving voice to my fears! I had 2…not one but TWO missed calls at exactly 2:59 AM the first night and 3:04 the following night…from BLOCKED numbers with NO message. I was POSITIVE that somebody was checking to see if I was awake before coming to to rape/stab/or otherwise attack me. That or some dumb ass was calling for a booty call and he doesn’t deserve one for one very simple reason. He should know that I’m way too amazing to wake up enough to answer a “blocked number” call. If you want booty in the middle of the night unblock your number and own it!

    Then I started thinking…oh shit…what if it’s an angry ex, or a flings girlfriend, or that guy I wrote to for a couple years to test out my naughty material that I SWORE would never get out of jail then he did! OH GOD!!!!!!!! Yeah…I’ve been a mess since this weekend. Damn missed calls.

    *checks under bed and in closet whilst plugging in night light*

  2. Oh I hate that!! You know what bothers me even more? When one of my friends leaves a message, but not about what. They just say “call me, it’s important” and then I FREAK OUT about what it could possibly be

  3. Funny!! I absolutely hate when unknown numbers don’t leave a message. Instead they just call every few days. I finally cave and call back and it’s of course a sales call or something I was trying to avoid (read: Mary Kay)

    • I think you have to be married or related to a Uke to really get it! And Dorka is an old “Ukrainian name. Are you telling me you don’t play name that taste? Just me?

  4. All I get are sales calls on my home line. Or crazy old ladies who call me at home because the vet’s office is closed and they forgot to call to make an appointment and they think it’s okay to call me at home for that shit.

    Although, I think I got a drunk-dial message at work the other day. I listened to it half a dozen times and I couldn’t make out a name or an actual phone number from her slur. Wonder if it’s the same person who their their Black Velvet and Coke on the front porch once?

    • Hahaha! And don’t you hate it? Altho, I’d call your house if I needed a calf pulled! And who leaves their drink at the vet’s? in my family, that shit’d be gone before we got there! Farmers…

  5. I so hear your pain it is bloody frustrating when that happens but you know what is worse when they leave a message buy you still can’t figure out who they are as they mumbled or something then hung up that is really annoying……..

  6. yeah, because those mystery calls could always be someone calling to tell you you won the lottery (even though you never purchased a lottery ticket)! that’s what goes through my head anyway when i get a mystery call… 😉

  7. EXACTLY! This is EXACTLY what I think when I get a weird, voice-mail-less call! I only have to add the terror that my phone has become self-aware and no human actually called me and my new SkyNet phone is fucking with me.

  8. Oh my gosh. Hilarious!! I just found your blog via blogess. I love it! I have had these moments of not picking up b;c I didn’t recognize the number but then obsessing over it later wondering who it was!

Go on. Talk to Mama Duck.

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