I’ve been having some issues as of late. For the past month and a half, my bowels have become irritable. I’m not sure what I’ve done to piss them off so. I guess they just think I’m a bitch and have decided to wreck my life.

Oh my. Have they! I’m exhausted, riding the edge of dehydration. I can’t think well as my intellect has been blunted by the lack of nutrition, my home skills have waned (putting it politely. This house is a half step from condemned.) and my social skills have dulled as I can’t leave my house to talk to anyone.

You now those nice adverts for incontinence underwear? My sarcastic (assholish) husband has been pointing them out to me.

“See that? You can’t even tell if they’re FULL! They look just like your panties! Maybe a little sexier.” It’s comments like this that put the shovel in my hand.

My friends have been sort of half supportive. I believe the comment I heard a few times was “We have a toilet, you know.”

That’s dear of them, but there are certain things I try not to share with any of my fellow-men and women if I can avoid  it. I actually left health care because I was fed up with other people’s shit. I’m one of those women that gets angry when I walk into a rank washroom. I do not believe in public defecation. If you are over the age of 10, you should be able to make it til you’re home.

I went to the Doc. When I told him what was going on and for how long, he gave me one of those looks. The quiet “You waited how long? You silly bitch.” See, the problem is I worked in the hospital too long. I live by the ‘If it’s not falling off, spurting blood, and if you can’t see the bone, you’re all good’ rule. Fluids and Tylenol, you’re golden, now fuck off! There is a reason I’m not a nurse now. You’re welcome.

To that end I am being tested. The likely culprits? A bacterial infection or parasites. Stop for a second. Parasites. Oh…

I’m betting on it. I’m one of those organic, raw food eating dumbasses. (Can you smell the patchouli? Would you like a glass of bong water?) Alright, I’m far from a hippie, but I just like good, real food. But with that comes this risk. Whatever. I’ve decided to name my parasites, get to know them. There is Pamela, Percy, Paul, Peter, Petunia, Poppy, Poopsy, Poopsy, Poopsy (those are the triplets)…

By my reason, If I get to know them, I may be able to coax them out. My hubby has offered to hold a sandwich by my backdoor to tempt them. (Yes. Digging a shallow grave as we speak.)

The fun part? I get to have a colonoscopy! Yay! Whee! Balloons and confetti!

So if you are having a bad day, take comfort in the fact that soon I will have five feet of tubing with a camera on the end shoved up my ass into my gut to take a look around. See what the parasites have done to the old place. I just hope he doesn’t have to shove a lamp up there first to light the way.


34 thoughts on “Craptastic

  1. Yeah…um…have fun with that. I’d say I’ll be thinking of you and your ass on the given day but it sounded creepy in my head…so instead I left it in a comment to be immortalized on the internet. I’m a regular genius. Sorry about the bugs in your belly, sweetie.

  2. Oh goody, we’re sharing colonoscopy stories (not mine of course, my dad’s). Several years ago, my mom took my dad in. They found out early on that the drugs have a bad effect on him, therefore no driving and no being left alone. Anyway, on the way back, my dad told my mom that he was going to be sick; she screeched into a parking lot and before she could stop the truck, my dad was out the door. She tried grabbing his shirt, but that didn’t work out so well. He literally fell out of the truck and onto his head. The next week he goes back to work, with road rash on his forehead. He actually told his coworkers that the proctologist (whose name is Dr. Spincta – I shit you not) shoved the hose too far up his ass. I would have found some other story, like I tripped and fell and hit my head – you know boring. Not my dad. . . .

    Hopefully yours is far less eventful! 😀

  3. Eeeek! Cue uncomfortable squirming in my chair, how to comment on a poo post? 🙂
    Shame lady, Good luck, hope the Poopsy family are out soon. I just read that back, sounds odd.

  4. I have IBS and had three colonoscopies in college, so while everyone else was partying, I was prepping and praying for someone to pry me off the toilet. Fun times! All of this is to say I feel your pain, and at least now you’re kind of on top of things. Deep breath. This too shall pass…pun totally intended 😉

  5. They’re not that bad (colonoscopies not the bugs) and if you choose consciousness they’ll give you very very good drugs and then you’re all like ooh and ahh at your crap as they pass the camera through, which is another blog post – lucky you! I’ve been having them for ages bcs my dad died young of a gi related cancer.

    • I will watch of course! My favorite part of nursing school was anatomy. I’ve asked the hubby if he’d like to bear witness. Maybe i’ll get a video made. You know, for christmas family time.

  6. Oh man, Leanne! I was just whining about getting a zillion needles in my neck, and then you mentioned tubing. You’d better be alright woman! Maybe you have irritable bowel syndrom? Maybe I should shut up? I’m sorry you’re feeling so cruddy.

  7. I vote for parasites. I brought something similar with me from trip to Europe, a few years ago. They could never properly diagnose me (“Come on, Europe is civilized, not the place to get some funky parasites”), and eventually (i.e. months of agony later) it just went away on its own accord.

    Hilarious post by the way (let me know if you need a hand with that grave).

    • Ha! That is such a bad story, Megan! I don’t wanna go for months! But I vote for parasites, too! And I got the gravedigging covered. he’s actualy my 11th husband!!! Thanks for coming over!

  8. Sometimes you just need a good “poor baby” as in, ” oh, poor baby, I wish I could make it all better!” And what kind of crazy hippie lettuce are you rocking there, girlfriend? Hope you’re back to normal…feeling well..oh dammit- just let me know if you need to borrow my good shovel!

  9. The only bad thing about a colonoscopy is the prep……………lol But seriously I know your misery I have the same problem and it isn’t nice and also like you I prefer my own toilet………..

  10. L…. your blog “looks” fantastic… BTW… opened it up for first time bcs trying to get going myself on a new page for new employer and love how clean it is. Hope you feel a bit better today. Love to you.

  11. I stronly recommend the 24-hour prep over the 3-day one, es[ecially if you’re already feeling malnourished.
    Here’s hoping for a speedy recovery.

  12. I’ve had a colonoscopy! While totally wrong in every conceivable way. It’s FASCINATING to do the cleanse. I was empty. I was light. I was holed up in the toilet for a bit for fear of flooding my home otherwise.

    Oh, and, The Divine Secrets of the Domestic Diva has a great colonoscopy post! (DM me and I’ll send the link; I don’t do that kind of thing in the comment section on other people’s blogs. . . How rude.)

    Oh, oh, and, I told my Hubs the doctor found pickles in my colon. He didn’t! Ha, ha! Silly drugs!

    Good luck. I hear that Petunia is a real bitch.

Go on. Talk to Mama Duck.

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