Oh So Messy

Someone used the search “PMS makes me a crazy bitch” and found my blog.

Oh, sister. I share your pain. This past week has been as bad as any since I started, which is 31 years ago next month. Did you read that? 31 fucking years ago!!!!!!

The inner workings of my ovaries and uterus have caused great grief since I was 12. I’m not just talking about personal grief. Oh no. That would be too easy. It is grief that has blanketed all who are in my life with confusion and fear. I have even had co-workers and bosses mark on their calendars when the insanity and stupidity of my pms would be arriving.

Shit! What’s the date? Oh, christ. She’s messy!” Yes folks, I even taught them my shorthand for pms. It’s messy. I’m messy. Emotionally and physically. Don’t look at me!!! Waaaahhhh…

It’s been so bad that I have had people in my life walk up to me a week before my period starts and hand me a new box of Pamparin, with the words “I know you don’t know when your cycle starts, Leanne, but I do. Your gonna need this in 2 days. Oh and go buy yourself some pads.”

Shit. you. not.

(As a quick aside, guys? You know the whole Brazilian wax thinga-ma-boober going on down there? Not for esthetic purposes. It’s because no matter how careful you are as a woman wearing a sanitary necessity, you will inevitably get a couple of pubes ripped out by sticky tape. And that fucking hurts.)(I can hear several million women on the cotton pony now, yelping “Sonofabitch! ImagettinaBraziliantomorrow!)

This time around has been incredibly horrendous. I feel like I’ve been attacked by a Period Ninja. Kidney punch – KEEYAH!!!! Tailbone kick – HYAAH!!!! Speed bag boobs –HUMBANAHUMBANAHUMABANA!!!!!

Now, last spring I got sick. of. it. And like a good little girl, I trotted myself of to the health food store and got on some stuff recommended to me by my dear friend Karen of www.karensomethingorother.com. I believe ‘effortless periods’ was one of the phrases on the bottle. Sounded good, as I am really lazy. I took those and some other stuff and the universe and god smiled on my crippled hormonal bitch self and all was good. Until a month ago. When I ran out. And the stupid sales girl in the stupid health store said stupidly “Oh this is just as good. It actually will help you detox ‘bad’ hormones.” Bad hormones? Huh. They really educate you fucking people don’t they?

Anyhoo, I took the stuff. For 3 weeks. And after last week and 3 ninja cramp days, today I got pissed off.

Like a crack whore in withdrawal, I went back to that store, looking for “the good stuff”. There was me, pale, shaking, sweating, with a migraine flirting at my temples and my gunt bloated up 2 sizes, looking for relief. As I read the bottles, a lady sidled up next to me. We silently read the bottles and then I saw what the missing ingredient was. “Green tea! Look this one has green tea extract! This one doesn’t. That’s why this shit doesn’t fucking work! Just like everything else in my life, get me?”

She didn’t even smile sympathetically. She just sort of nodded and moved away. Maybe I was loud. Probably. I certainly got through the checkout quickly.

Then I went shopping. Which I should NEVER do when I’m messy. I buy the most ridiculous things right before my period and a few days later when the fog has lifted, I find myself wondering why I bought red skin-tight jeans with red tassels running down the side. Yet today, I found the exact perfect thing.

Yes. Today, yes.

Small issue. My 7-year-old is reading phonetically. He stared at this for a long time, sounding out the cuss word. Later on he said, “I feel like she’s watching me. No matter where I move, her eyes follow me.”

They do, son. They do.

15 thoughts on “Oh So Messy

  1. If I run out of Midol I’m in serious trouble. Those are what I refer to as my Happy Pills. And when I first moved to cow town, I couldn’t find the “extra strength” to save my life. I had to settle for “regular strength”. Not sure why I continued to take them as they did jack shit. Now, ever time I’m in a Target (about every month), I toss a box of Happy Pills in my cart. I’m now up to about 4 extra boxes. When you live in the middle of nowhere (literally), one can never be too careful. I don’t want to lose my job because I so hormonal that I choked some idiot to death because they annoyed me too much at the wrong time of the month. Besides, I’d never last in jail.

    • Oh I so hear that. But you know, my body has changed now and none of it works anymore. I think I just need to take the “good stuff” and handle the rest with Advil.

      • yeah, pardon me for being a buttinsky asshole, but Midol scared me! That stuff is SHIT CRAMMED with caffeine! So I have a whole unopened box (which I made The Man buy one day) if anyone wants it!!!

  2. The look on her face is priceless.

    I too fall victim to PMS. Seems like during that time, I am incapable of thinking clearly or tolerating even the slightest little annoyance from my kids. I really want nothing to do with them for a few days, and I know it must make them think Mommy is a pyscho.
    I would like some of this wonder drug you speak of.

  3. Leanne, I have so many emotions right now

    1) sheepishness, because I haven’t replied yet to your tag post, but I get to all things eventually, so no worries.

    2) joy, because you took THE SUPPLEMENT too!

    fuck it, I don’t want to do a list reply. Anyhow, I was crying over “gunt,” because really–it’s true. Yes. That nails it.

    I am so excited that you tried it and also found it did something positive! Effortless periods is mildly bullshit, but I guess it’s true considering mine used to be 9 days of stupidity, and now it’s THREE DAYS OF TSUNAMI and 3 more of MEH.


    That’s it. I’m putting up links to my PMS woes on my sidebar. Lorna Vanderhaeghe or however the hell you spell her name should thank me for the free advertising.

    • You seem to be the only one that found that lovely word, K! And quit with being sheepish! Lord, whenever you get to it! I’m the last girl to put ANY pressure on a mommy/writer!

  4. I never had an issue with mood swings or cramps until after I turned 30 and then my body decided to hate me. Now there is a lot of advil and heating pads. Oh…and don’t get me started on how fast I cry…I mean at the drop of a hat! It is insane! Oh jesus….and my boobs. Just wearing clothes hurts. So painful. WTF? Sometimes being a woman sucks nuts…and well sometimes we suck nuts. Jesus I have no idea why I went there! Oh wait, yes I do…I also get SUPER horny when I PMS. Damn I’m a mess!

  5. I fucking love you. You’re like my Canadian DoppleGanger…. sort of… I’m all PMDD – watch the fuck out – i will kill you with my lazer beam vagina…. My Fallopian tubes try to exit my body out the sides and my uterus is all “i hope you die” in a creepy whisper. and my husband is in the corner, rocking back and forth, praying for this week to end. And then, i laugh at everyone because I haven’t even started yet… This is just the opening act…

    Oh and the sticky taped pubes – not cool. not cool at all.

    You are amazing.

  6. I have the perfect job to avoid situations like this. I do sales, and cover 6 states. When my girlfriend starts getting messy, I just tell her “sorry, I have to go to Montana for the week. See you in 4 days!”

    It’s safer this way. For all of us.

Go on. Talk to Mama Duck.

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