Back On The Horse

Writers Block is a bitch.

Last week, I had the start of my Red Dress Moment, and I had several thousand people visit my humble little place here. Quite frankly, it scared the shit out of me! All of a sudden, I felt like everyone was looking at me. And all I wanted to do was turtle.

It’s not that I don’t feel oh-so-honoured. (Thank you, Jenny!) I do. I’m glad you stopped by. (Oh hey, to whoever accidentally lit this place on fire? You can’t smoke in here!) But I’ve put this pressure on myself to do right by everyone watching and reading me. Which is ridiculous.

I am just me. This blog is a lot of satire, just to make you laugh. Because I love that feeling, making someone laugh. It breaks the tension, eases people. And if you have gas, a big hearty guffaw covers the sound of a big banging fart. (Yes, feel free. Break wind around me. Everyone else fucking does.) This is also my place to be very serious. With the only hope that maybe I can touch someone’s heart, just a little. You will definitely know the difference. I categorize things as Ducky (fun, good) and Not Ducky (shit that bothers me, or means something). Which also leads me to my blog name. (See the segue there? My god, I’m brilliant!)

I chose One Odd Duck because that’s how I’ve always felt. Different. Not quite the same as everyone else. But I’ve realized that this duck? Maybe not so odd. Methinks there are a ton of folks who think and go through all the same things I do. And that makes me feel less alone. Less odd. A bit more Ducky. So I thank you for reading me. For being here. Cheering me on.

A friend of mine tagged me in a meme today. Erin at (Actually, I’ve been tagged in a couple of others that I’ll get to this week as well. Wink.) I thunk to myself  “Self, what better way to start writing again?” So anxiety be damned! I’m back on the horse! (And off the wagon!) YeeHaw!

This meme is called Eleven Things.

First off, 11 Random Things About Me.

1. Wait. My left foot is super itchy. Okay, better.

2. I sometimes have trouble focusing.

3. I wear a robe as a sweater at home. If you are a really good friend of mine, I will wear it to your house. And you will start feeling comfortable enough to start wearing yours in front of me.

4. I’ve become a much better friend as I get older. I fuss over my friends. To the point where I have heard the words “For Chrissake, will you quit it! My bowels are fine!” I guess I really value them. If you are my friend, I will show up at your house with a gun and a spade, no questions asked.

5. My heritage is Scottish and Dutch. That means I really like to drink, but I don’t want to pay for it!

6. My kid is the best thing that ever happened to me. I look forward to every day because of him. He keeps me here, in this life, when my anxiety and depression are so overwhelming that I just want to go. He knows how much he means to me. He also knows that it is not his fault.

7. I almost brought a Bum home today. Well, I don’t know if he was a Bum, but he asked me for money for a loaf of bread and he looked dirty and tired. Was about 50 years old or so. I seriously thought about it because I hate seeing anyone or thing down on their luck. Then the little voice in my head said “You have a child. What if he is a pedophile?” And I hate that we as a society have to think that way. I didn’t bring him home. But I did give him money.

8. I just want everyone to be happy and safe. I know that’s not possible, but it’s what I wish.

9. I worked in health care for years, in all different areas. I was good at it, but I burnt out and started to hate it. I thinks it’s important to know that about yourself and quit when you need to.

10. I would marry my husband all over again. He is my mate. He surprises me all the time. He “accidentally” throws things at me. Like every time we fish, he’ll take an ugly slimy thing off the line to throw back, and it will come flying at my face. I think it’s deliberate. He says not. Sometimes I want to kill him, but I think that’s par for the course.

11. I’m a book-a-holic. I own too many books. I’m very learned on a wide variety of shit that doesn’t matter.

Okay! So, now comes the part where I respond to 11 questions Erin laid out.

(This is long! I’m tired. You probably are too. Go have a nap and come back later. I’ll wait.)

*whistling* *picking nails* I wonder if I can Yodel? *yodeling*

Hey! You’re back! Did you know I could yodel?

1. What’s the last song that made you want to dance? Metallica-Whiskey In A Jar.

2.  Favorite shoes you ever had? In my punk days, I had a pair of kitten heeled zip up boots that were ankle height and had three skull buckles to fasten the across the top of my foot. I bought them second-hand for cheap. I loved them. My mother threw them out 15 years ago. I am still mad.

3. What movie most resembles your life? Hmm. A tie between Steel Magnolias and Fight Club.

4. What is your passion in life? This. Several other things. I’d like to get good at them all.

5. What’s the first thing you would buy for yourself if you won millions of dollars. Perky boobs. Then I’d build a beautiful retirement home for disabled people with the best staff on the face of the planet. Then some Botox.

6. Favorite person in the world? My son. Then the Dalai Lama. I’d like to give that crazy old man a hug.

7.  Sleeping Beauty or Cinderella? Sleeping Beauty. I loves me some good snoozing. If napping was a sport, I’d go for the gold.

8. Favorite outdoor activity? I like doing yoga outside on my grass. It makes me feel like a kid because I get a great upside down perspective on the horizon. And I get to lay down at the end. Maybe have a nap.

9. Person who shaped your life the most? Pema Chodron. Dorothy Parker. Cher. Mostly Cher. This is hard, Erin!

10. What does your dream house look like? Exactly the one I have now. As long as the same people are in it.

11. What is your perfect date night? Date night? Wha- Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! What is that? (Actually, me and hubby are going to a Full Frontal Nerdity expo in April. Date night? Date weekend! Hello! Did I mention the whole cast of Star Trek: Next Generation will be there? I’m taking Will Wheaton cookies and Flonase. His sinuses are bad. And I’d like to bake for him. Does anyone know if he has a peanut allergy? I don’t want to kill him.)

So, now it’s my turn to make up 11 questions to be answered.

1. If you could turn water into wine, would you share with your friends? And what’s your address?

2. If you had to be on a deserted island for an extended period with just your spouse, would you consider eating him/her?

3. Do you own a cat? (If not, I’ve got one for you.)

4. Are you ready for the zombie apocalypse?

5. Can you explain why my neighbour’s horses and dogs end up finding my yard to crap in? I’d really like to know.

6. Where were you on the 17th of November at 11:32 p.m? (Your wife wanted me to ask you.)

7. Why is my left foot so itchy?

8. Disco or Death Metal?

9. If Gretzky and Jesus were playing street hockey, who do you think would stop for a beer first?

10. What makes you snort laugh?

11. If I invited you for drinks and target practice this weekend, would you come?

Wow! That was hard. I feel a bit like a cop.

The rules for this meme are that I have to go tag 11 bloggers to do the same. I will, but I’ll just warn you all – you will not see me coming. I move like the wind and I fit in small closets so you won’t be able to get away. To anyone else that wants to respond to these, have at it! Comments are open for everybody and I’d love to see how you answer!

Well, I think I’m getting over my anxiety. Thanks Erin. (You should go read her. She’s pretty sweet.)

24 thoughts on “Back On The Horse

  1. Leanne, I love you! You are all kinds of awesomeness! I wish I could drive to Canadia and give you a big hug! Also, I’m kind of mad at your Mom too, because those are just the kind of shoes I would borrow from a friend! May have to be trolling the eBay for some… And because I can, I will only the answer the questions that I can think of answers to off the top of my head!

    1. Fer Sure!

    4. I think I’m ready for the zombie apocolypse, but I may need to order another flame thrower…

    8. Disco mixed with Death Metal and a dance beat behind it all!

    9. I’m not 100% sure I believe in Jesus, but I know I believe in Gretzky, so I’m going to say Jesus would stop for a beer first. Plus, he’s sparkly, so that generates some extra heat in the sun and that would make him thirsty.

    10. The movie Elf makes me snort laugh, and really Will Ferrell in general- Old School, Funny or Die “The Landlord” I could go on and on… Also, Jenny Lawson from the Bloggess and Jen Lancaster from Jennsylvania…

    11. DUH!! Sounds like the best kind of fun to me! I’m not skeerd! If I could afford to random fly to Canadia, would be there in a second.

    And I’m super glad you’re back! Cute dress on the duck.

    • Love you too, Mam! Let me know if you find those boots. And you’re more than welcome to come-a-shooting. Just please stop refering to my home country as a yeast infection! Hugs, lady!

      • OmG!! Okay, didn’t realize that one! Hugs right back and an apology to all my northern neighbors! Although maybe that’s why the left foot is itchy??!! Get some Monistat, Stat!!! Hee hee hee!

      • Haha! Got you! I will pick up a box. That might just fix my foot! And hey, no offense taken! We call it much worse…

      • Oh my Gawd! Erin, I’m so sorry! I just found out it is Candida, not Canadia! I’m 43 years old and illiterate! Please call us Canadia!(Do you know how I found this out? The pharmacist looked so confused when I asked for a Canadia treatment. For my feet!) Sorry. Forgive me. I am stupid.

  2. Just so we’re sure….
    You value your friends? And not their bowels? It’s okay if you like their bowels, too, I suppose.
    And Writer’s Block isn’t a bitch.
    The first Mrs. Penwasser was.
    And that broad at the Wendy’s Drive-Thru who didn’t put enough frikkin’ ice in my Diet Coke.

    • I value my friends bowels, it’s true. How are yours, btw? And the last 2? Hahaha! First off, if I worked at Wendy’s I might stiff you on ice, just because I didn’t like the look of you. Is that what the first Mrs. P said? You know, she is sort of a bitch. You’re well rid of her.

  3. First off, I’d like to say that I’m glad SOMEBODY ELSE uses the term “ducky”. However I use it for both ends of the spectrum, either using a big smile or a low growl to indicate which.

    And onto the questions:
    1. If you could turn water into wine, would you share with your friends? And what’s your address? I’m a Martin. I can turn beer into p, but not water to wine.

    2. If you had to be on a deserted island for an extended period with just your spouse, would you consider eating him/her? You mean consume them, right?

    3. Do you own a cat? (If not, I’ve got one for you.) I have a dog, and he don’t want no cat. Especially since he’d have to change the litter box.

    4. Are you ready for the zombie apocalypse? I HATE zombies.

    5. Can you explain why my neighbour’s horses and dogs end up finding my yard to crap in? I’d really like to know. To make the grass greener on the other side.

    6. Where were you on the 17th of November at 11:32 p.m? (Your wife wanted me to ask you.)Typing up that week’s installment of Step Into My Time Machine.

    7. Why is my left foot so itchy? Right foot has the day off.

    8. Disco or Death Metal? Disco (just for listening purposes. I dance poorly and look worse in polyester.)

    9. If Gretzky and Jesus were playing street hockey, who do you think would stop for a beer first? Gretzky. Jesus would be grabbing an aquafina and changing it to Ripple.

    10. What makes you snort laugh? Depends. It seems to happen pretty randomly.

    11. If I invited you for drinks and target practice this weekend, would you come?
    Not if it’s bring your own weapon, I don’t have one.

    • Chris, sorry about the eating/consume error. But, both, amiright!!!!!! And I will lend you a weapon. What kind of beer? Us Ducks gotta stick together. And lend each other weapons!

  4. I (we) have a Sig , S&W, a Benelli and an AR-15. There are two things that go really well together. Target Practice and Tequila. Shots and Shots!

    • Holy shit, Vapid! You are my fucking hero! Hubby won’t by me anything that can be concealed. He’s a chicken shit. But big guns work, too.

  5. Fucking brilliant. As I read, I thought I have to comment about that and that…. Then it turned into so many comments that I just decided to let you know you are BRILLIANT!

  6. LOL I woke to a twitter text alert saying “You’ve been tagged….can’t wait to see your answers.” and shook my head then bounded out of bed to see what you got into. LOL. Love it. I will do a post on it this weekend! 🙂

  7. Pingback: Eleven Things | According to Jewels

  8. I saw the link for your blog on Jewels blog so came over to just say HI and have a look around I am now a follower and to quote my darling grandson “how does that sound”

Go on. Talk to Mama Duck.

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