Boobs and Birthdays

I turned 43 last week. Forty three. Fortythree. fortythree.furtytree.forryhree.

You know, if you say it enough times, it stops making sense.

I don’t particularly care about my age. It’s one year closer to death. Big deal.

I have a few wrinkles, more grey hair than I ever did. So what? I’ve earned every one of them. I’m all for passing the beauty torch on to the younglings that can handle the pressure. I did my turn.

But my boobs! My god, my boobs.

Now, I’ve never been a well endowed girl, and as I was a tomboy, they just got in the way. Alas, I’ve gained some weight in the past couple of years. Consequently, I’ve developed what my mother delicately refers to as a “rack”. And those things are just a pain in the ass.

Here’s my issue. Every birthday, I swear they drop an inch. It’s like they hate getting older and are moving south. Like retirees. Except south is towards my belt.

Fuck.

Last year at christmas, my mom and I were cuddled on the couch. She’s a rubber. You know the ones? They can’t just sit, they have to rub some part of you until the skin wears away and there is a bloody gaping hole where they’ve left the mark of their affection. The dogs like it. I don’t.

So she’s rubbing my arm, and I told her to stop. She asked me why. I said, “Mom, you’re kind of rubbing my nipple”. She jolted, howled with laughter and said “Jesus! Why is it by your elbow?”

Oh mom. I wish I knew.

A few weeks before christmas, our lovely neighbours called us at about 6 p.m. and said “We’re in our pajamas. And drinking. Come for pajama drinks.” Excuse me, but how badass is it to have folks in your life you feel so comfortable with that you can have drinks in your pajamas? PAJAMA DRINKS,PEOPLE!!!! Actually, it sounds a wee bit kinky, but these weren’t our orgy neighbours so we felt safe.

About half way through the evening, my friend Dee gave me a friendly stomach tickle. (Wait. This does sound kinky.) Anyway, it was one of those mom-love-ya grabs us mommies do, but sadly I had to tell her that what she’d thought was my side was actually my boob. I flustered the poor woman for a bit until I explained that now when I sit down, the girls tend to hover oh so gently to rest on my lap. An honest mistake.

Fuck.

I just don’t know why they’ve decided to become long and tubular. I thought that only happened to National Geographic tribal naked women. I’ve been so misled.

I’m already losing my navel behind them. “Where’s my navel? Oh wait, it’s right here, behind my boob. Duh.” What’s next, tucking them into my socks?

I’ve thought about getting them pierced. Not for any reason other than to slip a chain through one, lace around my neck and attach it to the other piercing. Kind of like a poor mans breast lift.  Might work.

But this is my advice to all the younglings. Don’t pierce your boobs! Don’t ever add weight to something thats going to sag naturally anyway.

As for me. It might just be time to buy a really good bra I can wear all the time. Do they come in tubular sizes?

29 thoughts on “Boobs and Birthdays

  1. Bahhaha!!! Wow, funny I recall that awkward moment….but all is good now, it a mental note and picture, I soon won’t forget!! ” Don’t tickle,grab, or hug Leanne from behind”, noted!!! I guess a game of pajama twister would be out of the question too eh? Sorry, I’m sounding like the orgy neighbors…lol!

  2. LOL This makes me think of the movie The Sweetest Thing with Cameron Diaz. At one point she’s standing in front of a mirror, moving her boobs up and down saying, “When I was like 22, my breasties were like up here.” She then proceeds to stick her arms straight up and say, “22”. Then she’d put her arms down and say, “28”. Then she repeated faster.

    I am now of the boob saggage that I’m starting to really understand why some women get boob jobs to keep the girls in place.

  3. Thanks for the chuckle, I can always count on you for a fresh look at life. I could hear BA and see her howling with laughter.

  4. Having had a large chest my whole life and beginning my bra wearing in 5th grade (age 9) I have come to hate the dreaded sagging boobage. Sure, they are big and beautiful, but with the size comes extra weight and with that weight extra surface for gravity to effect. Curse you laws of the universe and giant boobies. I can still let somebody tickle my belly, cuddle my side, etc…but I don’t think I’m too far off from where you are. I never go bra-less. I don’t need to add to the problem by allowing them to go unsupported and ruining the skin elasticity I have. I have a good sports bra I’m comfortable with that I slip on when I am home and spend extra $ on good bras for my days.

    I’d have laughed my ass off through this post if I didn’t want to cry. *walks away crying “Our poor boobies. WHY GOD!? WHY!?*

    • Sports bra, huh? I think I need one. I too, have done the “Why god” weep. He didn’t answer, but Jesus called and told me to suck it up.

  5. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! I hear ya! I sadly and unwisely prayed to the boobie fairy way too much when I was young and thin and damned if she didn’t answer my prayers in triplicate when I picked up a few pounds! I finally had a breast reduction when after my second child I was up to a G cup and for a fleeting moment in time had beautiful 18 year old like boobs! High and round and perfect. Then I gained some weight and the damn things grew back!!! Am ready to chop them off again!

    • Oh, poor you! Like I said, I was always small. I can’t imagine all that weight. I’m 36c now, and I feel like it’s way too much!

      • Yeah, everyone who ever said to me that they wish they had my problem should read this post! Also, I love the pajama drinks! I want to move into your neighborhood-but not for boob cuddling! You could totally get some pajama jeans and be the best dressed participant. That’s it, I’m having a grown up slumber party! You’re all invited!

      • Oh, girl, at least come for a visit if you can’t move here!!! PAJAMA DRINKS FOR EVERYONE!!! (I don’t know what boob cuddling is but it sounds kinky.)

  6. OH MAN, that is so true–it’s like, everything else falls down, bladders bulge out of hoo-hoos, but when the boobs stop being awesome? Oh the humanity! I loved reaching the point where occasionally if I try to stuff them into a fancy bra, they do this crepe-y skin thing like an old…

    Okay, I’m done talking about this.

    Hilarious post though!

  7. i just waltzed over from ow, my angst & i’m so glad i did! this post is awesome. i love to write about boobs. they’re funny. and long. and on hot days, sometimes they smell like bread…. tmi?

    • Ha Ha!! Welcome! Feel free to browse! Bread, huh? Welp, I don’t believe I’ll ever eat another sandwich as long as I live.

  8. Leanne you are just too funny you really need to publish your blogs , I’m sure you could make a fortune as you are definitely a writer!!!

  9. OMG! My new rack and I can’t stop laughing. And don’t be jealous now, but the brighter side of having a double mastectomy 3 wks. ago is that I get two new perky 25 year old boobs come April. Sorry to brag – but gotta get something out of this whole breast cancer gig! But, seriously, thank you for the LMAO moment!

      • Thanks so much! Taking it one day at a time. P.S. Have no idea where this film camera icon came from. Hmmmm…. yet another mystery. In the meantime, keep the prayers and humor coming my my! Sho do need ’em!

      • Consider prayers sent every day. I’ve got the time. And the humour, well…I’ll try!

  10. Oh man, I am feeling your pain. I’m only 36 and mine are approaching my waistline.

    The secret to having boobs which appear to be 22-year-old boobs is a nice wide band around your ribcage; that’s where all the weight is redistributed so you will do yourself no favors with a narrow band. Also, when you get measured for your bra, be sure to lift the girls up to the position where you want them to be. Otherwise your bra will be too small.

Go on. Talk to Mama Duck.

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