Dreams, Diet and The Eye Shat

Wow. It’s quiet in here…

Which is odd, as I just woke up from a dream in which the Dalai Lama actually asked me to leave his four star resort/meditation monastery because I could not stop talking during meditation. In my dream it was a terrible misunderstanding, as we were in the midst of a releasing excercise and one of those old highschool mama’s boys (you know the ones) burst into tears because he said I was standing on the fake grave he’d imagined for his mother, who hadn’t died yet. I tried to explain that it was unintentional, but mammas boy wouldn’t listen to reason. I also tried to explain that it was a fake invisible grave, so how the hell would I know where he put it but the D.L. told me I was being disruptive and asked me to go. He was very nice about it. But still. I then went to find hubby to get him to pack up, and as it turns out, he had found a new friend and was in the attached sports bar watching the hockey game. I tell you, that is some fancy Buddhist retreat. I should really be the business manager for the Buddhists. Ideas, my friend, ideas.

So in the past while, I’ve been trying to lose some weight. It’s not that I’m big, but if I don’t change my habits now, this winter I’ll be giving Santa a run for his money. As I’ve always burned most of what I’ve eaten, this whole weight gain and loss thing is a flipping mystery to me. I really feel for people who struggle with this their whole lives. But I’ve started eating way too much. To combat this, I am eating a lot of Middle Eastern food, things like couscous, dal, and humus. Yes, my friends, I reek of garlic and onion! Can you smell me over there? My hubby keeps asking if I have any gum. And I keep trying to neck with him. S’fun.

I’ve also started taking a fiber supplement that its supposed to fill you up. It also cleans out every dark, forgotten corner of your bowel, which is okay, because I’m a bit of a neat freak. But it has an unfortunate side effect of producing extremely loud gas. With every step you take. While it is not malodorous, it is going to be a bit inconvenient. Today, in turn, I have made the small dog bark, the big dog look at me and ask “Is that gunfire?”, and I also managed to make the cat stop his frantic licking of his non-existent balls (they’ve been gone 3 years! Give it up, already!), and with his tongue still hanging out, he looked at me and said “Good God, Woman! Was that you?” I generally don’t enjoy flatulence, and I try to avoid it at all costs. But this… this could be fun! It’s like having my own personal stock of chinese firecrackers up my ass! I think I’ll try to punctuate everything I say to my family with a nice loud bang.

I’ve also had an unwanted guest for about the last month. I have a clogged tear duct that has taken on a life of its own. Honestly, this thing has started to grow arms and even a mouth. It’s been talking to me in the middle of the night. “Hey. How you doing?” “Okay. Could you leave now?” “Nooooo. I like it here. Shhhh. Go back to sleep. Dream of the Dalai Lama. Shhhhh… Lullaby and good nite…”Oddly enough, it sounds an awful lot like William Shatner. While I love the Shat and his velvet voice, I think maybe I’ve been listening to his new cd too much. That is courtesy of my dear hubby, who puts it on, giggles and sings/talks right along with it. Obviously, neither of us has a life.

I went to my physician after not being able to get it to go away on my own. “Hmmm…” he said.

“Can I poke at it?”

Umm, no.

I quote directly:”Come on, let me poke at it! Don’t be a baby!”

I let him poke at it. No one calls me a baby! I even held the lighty thingy for him. Would it be okay to tell you that it hurt like a BITCH when he was done. And nothing happened. So with a “Thanks, asshole” on my part, he’s decided to send me to a opthamologist. Tomorrow.  I’m a bit sad to see Eye Shat go, as we’ve built a bit of a relationship. But I’d like to be able to wear mascara again at Christmas.

Hubby asked me how I’d feel if I had to wear an eye patch. I told him I would then get to pretend I was a pirate. And I would talk like one all. the. time.

Arrrr, matey. A gassy,windy pirate with my own built-in cannon sounds. I think I have my Halloween costume ready for next year! Squeal!

Wish me luck.

20 thoughts on “Dreams, Diet and The Eye Shat

  1. Im glad I’ve been suffering from nasel conjestion, but now i’m better so I will make sure to keep my distance, let me know when the air clears.

  2. 🙂 I smiled all the way through that one. The fact that you made the dogs look up is fantastic.

    As for the blocked tear duct, I had one as a child and as a consequence have an eye that no longer drains properly, which is absolutely no fun but does allow me plenty of excuses to indulge in my fancy, colored ladies’ handkerchief fetish…

    Pearl

  3. Pearl, I love that you get how entertaining it is to confuse your pets with bodily noises! Like i said, an eye patch. We’ll get matching ones!

    • Hey Chris! Thanks for coming over. We had a spaniel when I was a kid. He had a patent on the over the shoulder disgusted look. B’ut our pug cross? He waits til you’re in bed and bombs you. He’s a prick.

  4. I am (trying) to eat my breakfast while l read this, and while l visualise you bodily functions, which is not good -l am cracking up big time.
    Good luck with those ones… you can always add some vodka to make them more… let say.. “lively” 😀
    XXOO

    • Silvia, it’s Maple Syrup liquer, and YUM! Come to Canada, we’ll have a drink. And I promise to not make any noise! ooxx

  5. Nothing makes me laugh harder than when people rapid machine gun fire fart whilst laughing…omg i’m giggling right now just thinking about it. Funniest. Thing. Ever! Farts are just plain funny…enjoy it while it lasts. haha.

    Now onto that tear duct that sounds both owwie and icky. I’m sorry and hope you figure it out at the eye doctor. Can’t be much fun at all. Glad you are taking care of it though and not letting it “clear up on its own” like men would. *shakes head*

    Keep us posted.

  6. You crack me up… i read this to Edan and he was laughing along with me. I miss having your sense of humor around me!!! At least i can read your blog. Keep it up you are a natural!

  7. Do you know how much I FREAKING LOVE hummus? No, nobody could possibly know how much. I don’t know if it’s good in the calories department though, so I’ve had to lay off it.

    Hey, I’m on a FIT TO FORTY campaign. I created the cheesy name myself. I realised that skipping meals and eating too much dinner was a shitty idea, and I’m tired of being tired. I actually feel pretty good now, but there is no way I can avoid cramming a bag of doritos every time I have PMS.

    My daughter had the plugged tear duct when she was very little. The doctor just did this massage thing whereby she ran her thumb down from the inner corner of the eye to the nose. I’ll have to google it.

    Good luck with your eyeball!

    • Yay Karen! I love it when you stop by! Good luck with the F2F. This weight thing…I’m too cheap to buy new clothes! You come on over to my house. We’ll eat all kinds of hummus. We’ll stink like garlic and wine together. And the eye? Hoping I’ll be able to get an eye lift because of it.

Go on. Talk to Mama Duck.

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