In Vain

I should be editing my about page because it’s pretty fucking lacking (I don’t know what to say about myself. *Human, Not Satan, Mostly not an asshole, but don’t cross me*? Seriously, suggestions welcome.)

I hold no particular religious affiliation but I do know that using Jesus Christ as my son’s name is just wrong.  As in “Jesus Christ, would you go to bed? Jesus Christ, who told you the cat could go in the dishwasher? Jesus Christ, the car trunk is not a good hiding place! Jesus Christ, put down that lighter!”

I know, I am awful.

I swear way too goddamn much. It’s not charming, it’s gauche. It makes me sound like a fucking redneck. I really need to do better. Fuck. Shit. Sorry.

I tried out a new face cream. Very pleasant older lady hooked me up. I saw her a week later and she asked how I liked it. I said,” I fucking love it! Look at this fucking wrinkle here, it’s almost fucking gone! I look like I’m fucking 18!” She looked like I’d slapped her, and threatened to kick her in the box. She said, “Oh. Good. Excuse me.” Walked away.

Shameful. 

Here’s the thing. I am a clean-cut, middle class wife/motherfucker, shit, sorry, I meant mother. I drive a good car, take care of myself, and I also have very white teeth and a surprisingly good ass. I am not supposed to sound like I do. But I can’t help it.

I see these nice pretty ladies of about my age and in conversation, they say something like ‘oh darn it, or shoot’.( And I think ” Oh for fucksake, just say damn it. Or cunt, just try saying cunt! Own that word, bitch!)

See what I mean? It’s my head. My brain is foul-mouthed. A real problem. Fuckshit. Again, sorry.

I am actually a very nice person who mostly wouldn’t hurt a fly. And I am not anti-christian, or the anti christ (although I would like to have a beer with him, just to see what he has to say. And Jesus. I think he’d be a fun drunk!).

I promise to try to do better. Not here though. This is my blog, and if you can’t take it, then fuck off! Again, sorry. I actually really like you here.

I’ll try. And I promise not take the lord’s name in vain anymore. Fuckshit.

Sorry.

5 thoughts on “In Vain

  1. Funny as fuck!
    How about editing your cursing? For example, if you say “fuck” in a situation where you’d rather not, continue with “cryin’ out loud”. So you end up with “fuckryin out loud” (for?)

    ha!

  2. You are who you are. Stay true to yourself. I admire you for not pretending to be someone you aren’t.

Go on. Talk to Mama Duck.

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